What Feeds Your Monster?

Do you have a monster? What does it look like? I'm not talking about the kiddos. :) I'm talking about that thing that has power in your life and isn't productive or helpful or even living and breathing.

For some people it's money (or the lack of it). For some it's food. For some it's a job or lack of one. The monster is that thing which manages to get a handle on emotions and actions and take over a little bit of the rational thinking.

My monster is worry. It has been for as long as I can remember. The Husband has said I'm not happy unless I have something to worry about. I beg to differ, because the worry doesn't make me happy, it makes me quite the opposite. But, it serves an (irrational) purpose.

I can explain, a little bit. This started when I was a child. I recognize it's irrational. (Am I protesting too much?) My mom was sick a lot when I was growing up and had several stays in the hospital for critical things (blood clot in the lungs, heart attack, other related issues, triple bypass when I was a freshman in college.) I was pretty much kept in the dark about these things, even in college. I think it was everyone's way of protecting fragile me. (Insert eye roll here) Anyway, when I was in the dark, but very scared about where my mom was and what was going to happen, I worried. and I started to feel like the worry was what kept her safe. It's irrational, some would say "magical thinking". I recognize it doesn't work that way, any more than "having a feeling" something is wrong means something must be wrong. But that's the background.

Soooo...I have this irrational fear, not a fear so much as a niggling negative thought that if I expect the best...I will get smacked down. So, the worry is something of a "good luck charm". Not something one of faith should need, right? And I recognize that prayer is far more powerful than my worry "charm". :)

Which is why yesterday, when I got some questionable news, I did two things..first I did some research (knowledge is power right? Unless with knowledge you fixate on the worst possible case scenario just like the Husband knew I would when he said, "Don't Google it".) But the second thing I did was reach out to people I know I can count on for prayer. (This should have been the first, but I didn't realize from the tone in which I got the news that I would have such a worry soooo...I should have just listened to the Husband and stayed ignorant of the possibilities.)

So my worry..in case you're wondering.... My Ob informed me, kind of after the fact when I mentioned the ultrasound tech was going on and on about getting a Level 2 ultrasound because I'm of Advanced Maternal Age (Don't you think that phrase should have some sort of "duhn duhn duhn" music?) that yes, I could go in for the Level 2 because the tech wrote there was only a two vessel cord when there should be three. He assured me it will be fine and is sending me to a maternal-fetal specialist for a level 2 ultrasound. (My appointment is on May 17th.) I'm not going in to all the possibilities for you here...because you too have the power of the Internet at your fingertips...I'll just say the little girl could have absolutely no issues whatsoever, or ..... We just have to wait and see what we see on May 17th.

No matter what, we love her bunches already and so do the boys. We got a party supply catalogue in the mail yesterday and *C* has decided we must do the pink princess theme for her 1st birthday. (Do you think she might be doted on by a few folks?) I was 'worried' that she'd never get to go on a date with all the older brothers scaring the prospects away (not such a bad thing. ;) ) Now I wonder if she might have some very high standards after being treated like a princess by all these brothers.

Thinking about her 1st Birthday...that kind of goes against what my worry monster usually allows...but I'm putting him on a diet. :)

I hope you can put your monster on a diet too!

-Peace