Wednesday, April 7, 2010

It's Nothing Personal...Right?

Do you ever suffer from insecurity?

I do.

More than I care to publicly admit. (So why am I writing about it here?)

In keeping with my glass half empty mentality, I take it to heart when I feel rejected or unwelcome, even if the rejection is not so much overt and intentional as it is perceived (by me ;) ).

The Husband tells me I take things too personally. I probably do. But in situations where I feel left out or like I'm intruding by being present, it feels an awful lot like a personal rejection, a reflection on me. I wonder what I have said or done that makes someone not want to be friends.

Even as s grown woman and a mother of 5 kids, I feel like the middle schooler with nowhere to sit at lunch, told to, "Make like a tree and leave." (Yes, true story. It really happened.)

While I would like to think I would no longer be intimidated by the lunchroom, I suspect that I would. Today when I was faced with a room full of women I know (some better than others) and I didn't see a free seat at a table, I was going to sit off to the side rather than pull up a chair...I was that insecure. But, a friend encouraged me to pull up my chair, so I did. It's not that I wanted an engraved invitation, I just didn't want to intrude and be (or feel) unwelcome.

I guess this is where I admit that I have a touch of social anxiety and that I was that afraid of rejection. I'm working on it though. Really. I know that I cannot expect everyone to like me. (At least that's what I'm told, although I'm a nice person soooo.... ;)) All I can do is be kind and try to do what is right and good and fun too...and to remember that I might not be the coolest or funniest woman in the room, but I am who God created me to be, "Fearfully and Wonderfully made." (Psalm 139:14) I am a woman with a little life experience and a lot of love and support to share.

Yes, I take things personally. It makes me the person I am, and overall, I think that's not such a bad thing.


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