Wednesday, August 8, 2012


This morning, Little Miss Almost 2 was whining/ crying across the kitchen, "Mamaaaaa!" because her favorite DVD wasn't working properly and who knows what else wasn't going right in her world.  There were tears in her eyes and she just wasn't a happy camper.

I bent down to pick her up and she turned away, crossing her arms,  to look out the window (probably hoping to see her favorite Harley riding neighbor- a post for another day).  She did turn back to me and raised her arms for me to hold her and snuggle in for a moment of comfort.

In that moment, as I kissed her little mulletted  head, I remembered my own desires for comfort and how I seek them and where I find them, or don't.

You see, I expect love and comfort and peace and satisfaction to come from the people in my life, or from within me.  I expect that the Husband or my kids or my friends or a job or vocation or hobby or food will fill the void.  According to the Bible, only God can fill that void.

So the other day, in my frustration, I stood in the shower, crying (because apparently I can only cry in the shower, otherwise I can't cry, I can only stop to explain to concerned onlookers why I am crying which, while it is nice to have 10 year-olds care, it would be nice to be allowed to experience a feeling not have to give a dissertation about it).  In my frustration, my, "I don't know if  everything is really going to be okay." I said, "I don't know how to let You fill, me Lord."  I thought I knew and now, I am not sure how to let God fill that void and live in that place of peace.

It's a little like dancing naked, admitting here, for the world to read, that I am not sure how to let God fill me right now.

I have been hearing the word integrity a lot from my supervisor, about being the person of integrity in the room.  I asked my fb peeps what they thought integrity meant and so I hope I am acting with integrity by saying that I am struggling with this how right now.  I am struggling with how?  and  what if...? and  why not...?  I am surely not the first human and I will surely not be the last.  If it offends you... well, you can pray for me or you can stop reading or shrug, well, whatever. 

As for me... I just have to find a way to walk through this and get to the other side, soothing a mulletted-head little Miss and getting her biggest bro off to college, getting the middles ready for another school year.  I will do my best to be His hands and feet as I am able, being that I am sorely broken, like the rest of the world, I might add.

-Peace, from one vessel to another

Sunday, August 5, 2012


I enjoy reading Max Dubinsky.  Something in the post I linked above pricked at my heart and soul and speaks to why I haven't been writing here or doing a lot of things lately.  It's more than this, it's linked to bigger questions too, but when I read in the above linked post about how people had been going to church to,
"...Celebrate the fact that everything was going to be okay...Unfortunately, when we show up today, it’s not always what we find. The guilt I found in all the churches I’ve attended, I believe it creeps its way in to our hearts when the celebration fades out. When we stop believing everything is going to be okay.." Max Dubinksy.."What I Learned About the Church While Seeking God Outside Of It" 1, 2012

I guess maybe for me,  it's the question, "What if...?" linked with the idea that maybe, just maybe, everything is not going to be okay that has thrown me into a proverbial tailspin, and midlife crisis. 

I have questions and doubts and frustrations.  Life has always had ups and downs and "all-arounds", but right now I feel disoriented; I'm underwater and cannot find my way to the surface.  It's....disconcerting, and also maybe a little freeing.  It's frightening and sometimes it makes me angry.

I don't know if I've lost myself or am still finding my true self.  Does this make me sound crazy?  I hope not!  I've spent a lifetime being what other people expected or wanted.  I still do that, but I want to have a little balance and a little more choice in how I respond and fill their needs.  But I wonder, what if the true me isn't "okay"?

I guess I will find out.