Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Soul or Control?

Warning: there may be some words in this video which are not little ear friendly. It's one word but it's a "biggie"

(Did you see the warning above before pressing play?)

..Then one day you awake with a fear you can't shake you're an actor forgetting your lines.
(All italicized words are lyrics from Strata "Stay Young")

Sometimes I feel like that, like I'm playing a role but I'm getting it all wrong. I'm not saying the right things. I'm missing my cues. I'm flailing.

In the times when I'm flailing, I feel that "fight or flight" response kick in and my gut reaction is to fly. I want to escape. That is not always the best choice and certainly not the best example to set, but isn't our goal usually to lessen our discomfort and anxiety?

There are constants like gravity, heartbreak and shame. You can never outrun them they're part of your name, like lessons you learn from a past you can't change.

I love this line. How true is this? Gravity is NOT my friend at age forty-mumble. Heartbreak...I had my share and now apparently I also feel the heartbreak of my offspring in technicolor. (Isn't that special?) Shame...yeah, how many things do I feel shame about? I have a multitude of issues I feel shame about. Some from the past and some recent. They are what they are. I'm not giving you a laundry list here, but God already knows and I'm working on avoiding repeat offenses although I am sorely tempted and frequently blow it.

But it is part of me, a part I cannot change. The Husband reminds me that my unchangeable past makes me who I am today and that who I am today is not so bad. He also accepts the mistakes I make today pretty well. Again, he accepts who I am, even when I totally blow it...again. I learn from the lessons and I am changed and yet...I'm still me. (And can I just tell you he accepts me much better than I accept myself?)

Do you still remember your very first kiss or the future you hoped for when we were still kids?

Yes, yes I do. I remember that kiss. I remember thinking I could plan out my whole life, too. (Including two kids, a boy and a girl...bwahahaha) and I expected I could just have the life I planned out, that it would just fall into place. Not. So. Much.

Don't lose your heart, don't lose your soul, don't give up control.

When things don't work out, when I feel like I'm flailing and would like to run, sometimes I lose heart and I wonder who I am deep down. I wonder if in the mistakes, I've sold my soul and I certainly never want to give up control. I think I have to fix it and I cannot fix it if I let go of the control. Umm yeah. Did you read the post I wrote right before this one? I stink at letting go of anything, well not stuff, I will toss anything. ;) I just feel like I'm supposed to do something. Sometimes the best thing to do is give it over to Him and pray.

I realize that either I give up control or I give up my soul, I can't hold on to both...and trying....just leaves me with a broken heart.

I pray that we can find the balance between control and letting go, that we can stay young in our hearts and minds and souls and have that childlike faith that allows us to fully trust in Him.


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