Tuesday, January 10, 2012

On My Knees, Turning it Over...or Not.

Being a mom drops me to my knees daily.  It's in prayer..brought on frequently by fear, despair or frustration.

So often I try to find the solutions myself.  I want to anticipate and wrap the kids in some sort of protective covering that will stop the hurts, physical and emotional.  I try to anticipate their disappointments so I can either prevent them or warn them.  It sort of takes a little (or a lot) of the joy out of life to live this way, but I am a woman consumed by fear and worry.  I try that magical thinking game, "If I worry about it, it will not happen.  If I am a good enough mom, I will have kids that are successful and happy and always free of pain."

Every day I pray that God will wrap my children in a hedge of protection.  I have discovered that the hedge does not stop them from getting hurt feelings, a bad grade or a skinned knee.  I cannot prevent the hurts of life even if I get them to follow the rules, do their best, look both ways when they cross the street and mind their manners.

I would just like to ask right now, how is it that I can try my hardest to protect them and yet they still get hurt?  How fair is that?  Come on!

Umm...yeah.  I caught that.  I try my hardest.  I turn to prayer in the midst of the pain and yet, I still want to cover it myself.  I don't pray and turn it over to God.  Nope.  I give it to God but I still keep a grip on it. I guess I don't trust him to cover it the way I envision.  I mean, my plan is probably superior to His even though  His plan is superior, right?  Even though He can use everything for good.  Even though He loved them before I even knew them with a perfect love only He can have.

How ummm perfectly, humanly, stubbornly wasteful of me.  

This is my struggle.  Turning it over and letting it go and believing He's got it covered without me.   I haven't mastered it yet.  I keep trying.  I will keep praying; for peace, for protection, and for umm the ability to give it over to God.


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