You've gotta cry without weeping.
Talk without speaking.
Scream without raising your voice...
Running to Stand Still - U2
This song just sort of popped into my head this morning while I was wiping a spot off the kitchen floor. Not mopping the floor, mind you, just wiping up a particularly glaring spot. Apparently the cleanliness of the kitchen floor is most important in early morning hours.
I haven't heard that song in ages. But sometimes I do feel like I'm "running to stand still." (Not because of addiction, which is what the song is supposedly about.) I hesitate to confess this here but sometimes I do feel like I'm running and running and running to get to a place where I feel like it's Okay to stop.
But it's Never. Okay. To. Stop. So I pull up my big girl pants. I sleep in the bed I've made. I cry without weeping and talk without speaking. Sometimes I even scream without raising my voice. (Sometimes, not always. ;) )
I know this is all self-induced. I think that makes it harder. It's choices I've made and choices I continue to make...and second guessing the choices, too.
I'm not going to lie. Sometimes it would be nice to hop a flight out of here, run away from the spots on the floor and the dishes in the sink, the homework, the stuff demanding my attention even now as I sit and type with ear buds in.
But, if I ran away I couldn't run alone. There are too many people I love and care about in my life; the Husband, the Beasties, the amazing friends I've made.
And there's the rub....because part of what makes me "run" is caring for, caring about and serving these same wonderful people and also trying to nurture myself in the process.
I was created to live in community with others. That is God's purpose for me, and you and all of us. Sometimes I fall into a pit of despair. My floor is dirty, except for one clean spot. (I wonder if I'd mop more with that steam mop?) I have projects to complete. My children are growing up before my eyes.
And then, the Husband will come down to take care of the girly and send me back to bed saying, "I want to spend time with my daughter." A friend shares her knowledge and wisdom about how I can achieve a goal. Another friend emails just to check in. A boy throws his own laundry in the washer then the dryer and another starts picking up toys, just because.
I realize that I am not alone, because living in community means that I am not living and doing and serving alone. Everyone is "running to stand still" and the run is better because we can cheer each other on.
Sometimes it's Okay to speak and weep and scream. That way people know we're in need of a little, "Rah rah sis boom bah! You can do it!" (Sometimes, because if it's the norm, I think it's time to evaluate.)
Thank you, Lord, for giving me amazing opportunities to serve you and to be served by others too. We are blessed to give and to receive. Thank you for giving me the opportunities to run for You.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Hebrews 12:1 NIV