Thursday, December 16, 2010

I Just Don't Know...

When the kids ask me something and I don't know, we look it up. Isn't the internet grand?!

When we're making decisions about our family, the Husband and I discuss it, weigh pros and cons and usually we find an answer using our logic and understanding.

There are times when what logic says and the world say do not always sync up with what my heart and soul tell me.

We talk a lot about giving things up to God, but it's usually really REALLY difficult to totally surrender. People will follow bits and pieces of scripture but if it's uncomfortable we can all justify why we pick and choose what we're going to follow hard and what we're going to say is cultural or historical or somehow just doesn't apply to me here and now.

I struggle with it. I talk about it with the Husband. We have a lot of theological conversations and I think that's a good thing.

When making decisions, when walking through life, I try to pray first and act second but I still wonder if I'm following the proper path, making the best choices and doing the right thing.

Right now, as I embark on a new adventure I wonder if it's the best thing or if I should maintain focus on my family without the outside distractions. The truth is, I feel perpetually distracted by any number of "sparkly things" every single day. I wonder if I'm trying to juggle too much and dropping every single ball? I question, if I am following God's plan (or trying to), why aren't things coming together? Why does it feel like things are harder than they should be?

Don't misunderstand, I know that giving things over to God doesn't mean a life of sweetness and roses, but instead that I won't go through the difficult times alone. However, sometimes I wonder about where all of these brick walls and mud puddles are coming from, you know what I mean?

I guess I have a lot of growing and learning and refining to experience. As *E* used to say, "I don't love it." It makes me doubt myself and my decisions. I don't doubt God. Wonder if we're having communication issues? You bet!

So sometimes I just don't know. Fortunately, God is forgiving of my "listening" troubles and I'll just keep trying to get on the right track.


1 comment:

  1. That is the wonderful part about being God's child. He will contiunally try to redirect us when we are taking the wrong path. We've found in our lives that usually He taps us on the shoulder first..........then He whacks us in the back of the head, THEN He slams us into that brick wall. I suppose the journey is different for everyone.