New Tricks Can Be Tricky

I went back to school this weekend.

I think it went well and yet, I feel the coming 2 1/2 years on my shoulders. There is nothing about the program or the people that troubles me. I can handle the work.

It's the car! The one I wrote about conquering. Yeah well, I got to school fine on Sunday morning but on the way home...Not. So. Much. I stalled the thing at a 4 way intersection and I am amazed by the patience of the people behind me because no one was laying on their horn. (Or maybe I was so flustered I was unable to hear?!) Seriously, I think I stalled it more than 5 yes FIVE times. If felt like I was there for an hour but it was probably under 60 seconds. (I hope. )

I did manage to get home even though I got stopped at Every. Stinking. Light. Four of them. And I did manage not to stall it then but I confess to squealing some tires in my freaked out state. I contemplated pulling into the Tim Hortons and calling the Husband to come rescue me. I decided that I was not a damsel in distress that needed to be rescued. My pride was the only injured party.

Do you find it as amazing as I do that I am not worried about the hours of reading and studying and writing in a master's level program or the cost and yet I was tossing and turning in bed last night worrying about driving that little zoom zoom again?

And speaking of my course of study, I am well aware that suggesting that perhaps we could trade this car in for a clunker with an automatic transmission was a form of avoidance. ;) (I did ask the Husband if he thought we could. I was only 1/2 joking.) Or perhaps worrying about driving the zoom zoom is my way of avoiding the real worry of whether I can actually do this.

Either way, I bet you can guess what I did in those moments of freak. I took a deep breath and prayed. I cannot remember what I said and I assure it was very short and to the point. Probably, "Little HELP!"

I pray that as each of us face new things, we can remember we are not alone. Some things might be easier or less demanding than others, but You are with us through it all. Thanks for that!

-Peace

You Can Teach an Old Dog...

Well, I'm not That old but you get the picture.

I did it. I successfully drove the Husband's car with standard transmission today.

I also had a mild anxiety attack yesterday thinking about driving his car.

You might wonder why we have a car I can't couldn't drive. That would be because this is the Father-in-law's "old" car. When he moved last year he generously gave us this car. It's a nice "zoom zoom" of a car but it doesn't fit the whole family so when I'm at school all day Saturday and Sunday I need to drive it while he's chauffeuring the beasties hither and yon.

Yesterday I was thinking about having to drive this car to school tomorrow night and I got a little bit nervous. (That might be an understatement.) I was worrying about getting out of our driveway. It is a little hill. All I could think of was waaaay back when I was in high school a friend of mine was driving her boyfriend's (standard transmission) car. We were stopped at an intersection near the mall where we worked. There was a hill. My friend *H* leaned out the window and yelled to the car behind us to please back up...she did not hit that car but I think I was a little bit nervous we were going to roll back and smash into them.

Today, though, I hesitate to mention I didn't stall the car and I didn't even squeal the tires. (I did that yesterday. The conversation went like this- Me: What's that smell? Him: You just burnt rubber.)

But today, I drove the car and I survived. I'm not sure the car loves me. (It growled a couple of times.) I'm still a wee bit anxious about driving it tomorrow. (Wimp!) However, I faced the fear and I. Did. It.

There was a time when I would have looked for a way to avoid having to drive the car...and I bet the loving Husband would have enabled me to do so. But I knew in my heart that I needed to face the "giant", put on my "big girl pants" and drive.

Today I am thankful that the Husband had the patience to talk me through learning and rode shotgun with me yesterday even though he hates sitting in the passenger seat. I am thankful that I didn't give up when I could have. Most of all, I am thankful to God for everything He did to make it possible for me to sit in that driver's seat.

-Peace

Keeping My Eyes On God

Today is one of those days when someone I love very much is hurting. Struggling. Said to me, "I should be so strong by now." My heart shattered like crystal into little pieces.

I thought of the song above.

I want to fix it. I can't. I wrack my brain for that idea, that one thing I haven't thought of yet. If I could just think outside the right box...

But really, it's not something I can fix. I don't know what the answer is, but I do know in my heart and soul that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if I can't see see the glimmer of it right now.

You know what the bright spot is? Knowing that we are not alone. God is with us. Knowing there are people who care. People who are praying. People who love us. People who will be, already have been, the hands and feet of Christ to us.

When life doesn't go as planned, more frequently lately than I'd like to admit, I remember what one of my supervisors told me, "They can't kill you and eat you." That makes me laugh. Then I remember what my mother used to say, "God doesn't close a door without opening a window." And then...I remember that the thing I need to do through all of it, is keep my eyes on God.

Praying that we all can keep our eyes focused on the hope even through wilderness.

-Peace

Check Yes or No.

The other day I was at a Bible study and we were discussing relationships. Really, we were talking about friendship. We were discussing how most of us have many "acquaintances" but when it comes to those deep, trusted friendships we're kind of feeling a little....unsure.

I wrote about my dear friend being here last week and how I have vowed to nurture my local relationships and here I was having this discussion. Talk about timely!

It's not easy to build a friendship as an adult, at least I don't think so.

It's not like being in 3rd grade and passing a note:
Will you be my friend? Check Yes___ or No___

I think it's more risky now. It takes time and I try to nurture those acquaintances and hopefully they grow into true friendships. But... what if I reach out and get rejected? (Ever had your FB friend request ignored and still run into the person regularly? Talk about knowing where you stand. :P )

I know I am not going to be best friends with everyone I am friendly with. That's unrealistic. I do know that we're created to live in relationship with others and that having trusted friends to laugh, cry, worry, rejoice and yes, even pray with is a treasure to be cherished and nurtured.

I went home singing Veggietales:
"I can be your friend (la la la)I can be your friend (la la la)If your hair is red or yellow. We can have lunch. I'll share my jello."

But I also made the decision to take the risk of reaching out. Yes, it might be awkward. Yes, it might be ignored. But I want, no I need, to do this. I don't have a quota. I have a goal...to be sure that my heart is in the right place always. I try but I know I can always improve on that. :O

Praying that you find joy and comfort in your relationships; that they are built on trust and filled with opportunities to grow and to love.

-Peace

Contentment On a Cold Day

Today is the perfect day to hunker down and do something inside. It's totally appropriate weather for this date and place; windy and cold with some snow flying about.

In my fantasy world, I would be sitting by a roaring fire knitting something gorgeous with lovely wool. There would be something delightful in the oven and the kiddos would be doing kid-appropriate but not obnoxiously loud things around me. Perhaps playing board games together or reading or drawing or even playing with their trains. Together. Without fighting.

Instead all but the youngest two are off at school. I need to go through my stash and see if I have any sock-worthy wool because I am in a sock-knitting kind of mood. We don't have a fireplace and anyway it drives *N*'s allergies crazy to be around a wood-burning fire.

In my fantasy world I would live in the country and be more self-sustaining. I read blogs about people who spin their own wool and dream of spinning and dying my own yarn. I dream of doing lots of creative and lovely and very basic things, but for now they are dreams. I know that I must accept that I have limits, in time and talent.

I am where I am for a reason and a season and I need to embrace it. Right now a cold day means sitting in my little home without a spinning wheel or a fireplace, but with a 3 yo at my side and a 5 month old snuggled up asleep on my shoulder. There may be time in the future to learn to spin or to soak up quiet by a roaring fire or to build or sew or any number of things, but for now a sofa and a blanket and a book about a quiet old lady whispering "Hush" will be just fine.

I can do bits and pieces. I made a pair of socks for *I* last week. He loved them and I have received "orders" from other brothers. Perhaps I'll bake cookies today...or tomorrow.

Thank You, Lord, for the reminders to be content where I am. Thank You for the blessings of warmth and safety, family and friends where I am right now.

-Peace

It's the Process

That's my mantra whenever doing art or craft projects with children. It's all about the process not the end result. Children get so much out of the act of creating.

As for myself....yeah, that's a nice idea but I like to have a respectable product at the finish. I think that's why I like knitting. (And if if it doesn't look right, I can frog it...rip it rip it. Plus, I am following a pattern.) ;

Anyway....Today at MOPS we painted with watercolors.

Let's stop right here so I can tell you exactly how lacking I am in artistic ability. Seriously. Not. My. Gift. When the topic of the meeting came up, I felt uncomfortable. It sounds like fun for other people. But for me? Umm, I cannot draw, paint, anything like that. (Crisis, right? LOL)

I did it though. I went and I listened and I got my feet (and the paper) wet. I am no Georgia O'Keeffe. In fact, you wouldn't even buy my work at one of those "starving artist" hotel shows I've seen advertised.

However...it was fun! Really. I enjoyed the process. I liked creating something on a blank paper. I liked it. I really liked it.

In fact, I would happily try it again.

I don't have to be a famous artist to try painting. I'm not on The Times best seller list either, but I still write.

I am thankful for the opportunity I had at MOPS to try something new. (In case you haven't noticed, I think MOPS is the bee's knees.) I am thankful that it is a safe place to learn and grow and become more fully who I was created to be.

I pray that each of us can stretch outside the safe box we live in daily; to try new things and take healthy risks, to find new ways to use the gifts God gave us and share them with others.

It's all about the process.

-Peace

Easy to Read

My face, that is.

Last week I had orientation for school and the instructor was saying that class participation was 20% of the grade and if he found you weren't participating he would stand next to you and pester you until you did speak.

And then he pointed at me. Moi! The man may be a pretty good psychologist because he read my expression very well, and I didn't realize I had reacted that strongly.

No, I do not like to speak in class. I do not like it, Sam I am.

And there I was, called out in front of a bunch of people I don't even know because of something in my body language or facial expression.

Beautiful!

More troubling to me than having to speak in class (because what if I have the wrong answer?!) is the fact that I am studying to be a counselor, one of those people who listens to other people and should have unconditional positive regard. Mostly, I do feel that way. I mean, I have opinions, but I do really try to love people where they're at, hate the sin and love the sinner, but I guess I don't have much of a poker face.

This could be a real problem. I hope that my genuine interest, my compassion and empathy can offset the lack of "poker face." At least I think I've broken the eye-rolling habit. ;)

Do you think I could write off Botox as a business expense? :)

-Peace

Up and Down and Even

This weekend I laughed more than I have in far too long.

Miss M's Godparents came in for her Baptism and we haven't seen them in 3 years. Life gets busy and there never seems like a "good" time. I was sad (and my kids were sad) that their kids didn't come too, but life happens...

We spent a lot of time just being; talking and laughing and listening. It was like a vacation for us too, such accommodating, easy-going, fun visitors were they. :) They loved on the kids, played with them, rough-housed and snuggled them...like the "aunt" and "uncle" they are, not because of blood relationships but because of heart relationships. We are "family" even if we're not related. I love that. :)

When they left yesterday I was feeling so sad. We had so much fun. They live so far away. If only we were closer....

But you know what? If we lived next door we would be busy with life and would not spend many days the way we spent Saturday. We would take it for granted that there would always be time and we would probably be "too busy".

So while I miss our friends, I am grateful for the time we had. I vow to be more intentional about keeping in touch, to see each other more frequently than every three years (by which time we'll both have kids in college..gasp!) and to nurture and build relationships like these, because you can never have too many friends or "family".

-Peace

Free Falling

"She's a good girl, loves her mama, loves Jesus and America too..." (Tom Petty)

So I was driving to church this morning, and this song came on the radio..and I got all teary. You might not get the connection but today Miss M was baptized and in my head it was all perfect. (Note I did not include that she loves her boyfriend because, to be clear, she's not dating until she's 40. She's got 5 older brothers so I've got back-up.) ;)

So this weekend we celebrated Miss M and our commitment to bring her up in the church, to teach her about Jesus and the Commandments and being a beautiful child of God. Fortunately, we're not in this alone, because it's not for wimps, being a parent. Miss M's amazing Godparents flew in for the weekend and there were grandparents and an amazing congregation to welcome her into the "family" that is all of those people in the pews.

As I was listening to the song, I thought about how we free fall into God's arms when we give it all over to God. I think if I can teach Miss M that faith in God will allow her to free fall into life, living it fully in His grace, sharing that message of love and freedom I will be doing a good job. I pray that God will give me the strength and wisdom I will need to be that kind of role model and example...and that all of the people who love her and welcome her into "the family" will be there when I will undoubtedly fall short.

Praying that we each can "free fall" into the grace of God.

-Peace

A Good Foundation

"Put down your knitting, mom."

I was sitting in the bathroom with *I* while he was taking his bath, stealing some time for the yarn and sticks and singing him silly songs when he made that request.

"Make the water squirt with your hands." (Apparently the Husband showed *I* this trick. :) )

I knelt beside the tub, put my hands together and did as he asked...and my mind went back to hot summer days in a pool or the lake with my dad while squirted water up with his one hand.

Other than to cool down, my father really had no love of the water. He couldn't swim. In fact, he often said he just sank. (When I was in 4th grade I tried to teach him LOL...He did sink.) But the reason he "knew" he sank is that when he was about 5 or 6 his dad tossed him into the Hudson River to teach him to swim. He said he sank right to the bottom and crawled out on his hands and knees. He always told the story in a lighthearted way, much the way he told other stories of pain from his youth.

Thinking about my dad last night as I was squirting water for *I*, I thought about all of the ways my dad was so incredibly giving of himself. I thought about his stories and the way that there were very few stories (or people) that seemed to be spoken of in a bitter tone...but if you really, truly crossed him, that was another story altogether.

*I* and I laughed last night as I played in the water with him. It was lighthearted and fun and after he was dry and snug in his PJ's, I gave him a hug and he said, "I love you, mom." and kissed me on the cheek. It felt good, I felt good.

I thought about all the ways my dad (and mom) modeled being a parent. Some good (like squirting water, giving time and attention) and some not so great, but all in all, a good foundation.

Praying that even though we're not perfect people or parents, we can remember and embrace all the good things in our lives and build upon them.

-Peace

Random Thoughts on Monday

I'm not feeling terribly introspective. Perhaps all the time I've spent reading my counseling textbook is making me afraid of what I'll find if I look inside my head too much. ;)

I haven't maintained my housekeeping goals. Oh well. The dust bunnies will still be there and everyone has clean clothes and dishes. So what if those Legos are still taking over and are having a party under the table with some Duplos (probably teaching them naughty things because they are for ages three and up, don't ya' know? ;) )

Speaking of "naughty"... The Husband said something to *I* about being naughty and *I* responded, "I'm not naughty, I'm nice." I decided that perhaps we needed to educate the child about the definitions of naughty and nice and pointed this out to the Husband. The Husband went on to explain that doing something you're told not to do is naughty. *I* laughed and said, "I'm a nice boy." I think perhaps we need to find ways to enhance his comprehension skills. :O He's cute as a button and so very spunky and spirited.

Back when our eldest son was this age, I remember having a conversation with his Sunday School teacher, a kind man who always gave the kids apple slices for snack. I took his advice very much to heart. He said, "You don't want to break his spirit." So my goal with each of my children is to help them live in polite society, do the right thing and nurture their individual, unique and sometimes very active spirits.

Spirit is a good thing, mostly. It just has to be used for good and not evil. ;) Hopefully, the Holy Spirit is acting in my life and the lives of the little people sharing my DNA...and in other people's lives too.

Praying for spirit and The Spirit to be at work in all of our lives.

-Peace

Paste

So tonight I got to wondering...those kids who ate paste in preschool...remember them? Do you suppose they were trying to reenact, unconsciously, their first experience with rice cereal?

I mean really, it looks like the paste we had in school that came in the little tub with the stick on the lid for spreading, don't you think?

Miss M LOVES her cereal. She grabs the spoon to help me find her mouth. Apparently she doesn't trust my hand-eye coordination, or I'm not getting the spoon there fast enough. She makes all sorts of happy noises while she eats too.

I'd be worried that she'd eat the paste in preschool, but now they use glue sticks for everything, so I think we're safe. ;)

-Peace

Voices and Words.

Have you seen or heard the story about the homeless man in Columbus that was on The Today Show and has gone viral on the web? He has an amazing voice (A "God-given talent") and a Columbus Dispatch Videographer captured him on film. The man is famous and now he has job offers and contracts and will have a home again.

I am so happy that this man is getting a chance. He's gotten his life together and we all know that having employment and a place to live goes a long, long way toward stability. Yes, he made choices that got him into this predicament, but we've all made poor choices on occasion.
No, we all haven't made choices to get involved with drugs or we don't have addictions or whatever. But I think, if we're being honest, we've all made a decisions that could have gotten us into deep water had things worked out differently.

So, I am glad this man is getting a chance to rebuild his life. I pray that he is able to maintain his sobriety (2 years clean and sober) and enjoy some success and happiness. God bless, sir.

This morning, I saw he and his mother on The Today Show. What a joyous reunion they had! And then she started talking and I had to pick my jaw up off the floor. She was concerned about the shame he had brought on the family by holding that sign. She was worried that he would disappoint her. (She said to him upon their reunion, "Don't disappoint me.")

The Husband turned to me and said, "In the story of the prodigal son, she is not the father, she's the brother." She couldn't just be thankful that she had him back, she was concerned about herself, her shame, her pride. She talked a lot about her faith in God but apparently she missed a whole parable. She may want to go and read it (Luke 15:11-32) and maybe learn that when the father saw his son coming, he disgraced himself by running out to welcome him. (See, that seminary degree is coming in handy. ;) )

As much as I wanted to judge her, I remembered John 8:7, "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her." NRSV

My heart ached a bit for this man. To know that he had stopped calling home because he didn't want to bring pain and disgrace to his mother broke my heart and made me evaluate my own relationships and words.

I have told my kids they've disappointed me. I knew it would sting and my goal was behavior modification. I am thinking about it differently now. I don't think I've told them not to disappoint me at the outset. "Do your best." "Be nice." "Make good choices." Those I utter every day. Is it the same thing just phrased differently? I don't know? I think I'm trying to give them positive goals . helpful reminders of what you do in polite society.

I know I tell them I love them no matter what, but I've also told them I won't visit them in jail. (I saw a movie once where visitors got trapped in prison during a riot....)

In the parable of the prodigal son, Jesus tells of a father's unconditional love for his son...of God's unconditional love for us all. It doesn't matter if we leave home and blow all our money, we're still welcome with open arms and a big ol' party!

Thank you, God, for loving me when I blow it and giving me another chance. I pray that I can show that grace in my own actions and words.

-Peace

Space

Today I was fortunate enough to go to MOPS. I needed to go to MOPS. I was not, am still not, having a great day. Everyone is OK and healthy and all that, it's just that stuff isn't going my way, and not just because I didn't win the Mega Millions. :P

Today the topic was about organization, but instead of talking about where to put our clutter we heard about the organizing of our hearts.

Well! You know I needed to hear that, right? I bet you everyone in that room needed to hear, reflect on and discuss this topic today. I think everyone can relate to the topic in one way or another.

My heart gets cluttered up with so much stuff, so many worries and thoughts and plans. Today I couldn't see anything but the wrench in my wheels, the monkey on my back (need a mirror to see that) and the rain (snow here) on my parade. You get the picture?

And then...the speaker talked about clearing space in our hearts for God's grace. Hello?! God? Is that you? I need to clear out some of the stuff cluttering my heart and give your grace a little space? A little room to work and move and do your "thing"?

But if I let go of the monkey and the wrench and the rain...then what would I have? Who would I be? What would I think about? If I let them go, what would happen? Wouldn't I slip on the wet floor while the monkey held me down and hit me with the wrench?

Make a little space for God's grace....

No, when I let go and give grace a chance....I find what I found today...the grace of God could heal the hurt and worry and stuff. Perhaps all the troubles wouldn't magically go away, but today I learned that when I make space the stuff feels a whole lot lighter.

This morning, I thought about staying home and hanging out with the monkey and his wrench but instead I went out and heard a message and made some space and felt the grace.
Aaah.....

-Peace

Here's the Thing...

I don't think some of my goals are 100% doable. At least not right now. At least not for me.

It's Day One of my plan and ummm, the chore chart I made for myself is well, not working for me. You see, it's all fine and good to say I'm going to clean my living room but first I had to clean up the Christmas stuff which was still in control, even sans tree.

And then Miss M needed to eat her cereal and then a little bit later she needed to nurse (can you say, "growth spurt"?) and the the 3 yo needed a snack and he needed help with something he was doing and the laundry needed to be switched over and I knew I wanted to run to a store across town before they ran out of exactly what I wanted because it was on clearance. (I had no idea how difficult it was to find baby dresses with long sleeves, but I could write a whole post about that. Maybe another day. ;) )

I did not get the deep clean of the living room done. On the bright side, the dishwasher was taken care of, the laundry is in process, the children have been snuggled, fed, clean and are in dry pants (or at least they were ...) and I did get the dress I saw online for Miss M.

Some people might be able to manage a spotless home and little people all at the same time. I haven't gotten there yet. I am going to forgive myself for it and keep on working toward the goal. Right now the two littles are asleep and I could (should?) be cleaning but instead I am taking a few minutes to sit down and enjoy a little quiet. Aaaah.

The good thing about goals is that they are always out there in front of you. One day of not fulfilling my chore chart doesn't mean all is lost. Would I have liked the opportunity to pat myself on the back? Sure! However, I had to make some choices today and the living room just didn't have the right lobbyists. ;)

-Peace

To Stop Living in...

Goal: To stop living in survival mode, get organized, think ahead and plan accordingly.

Do you think it's too big of a goal or a "no kidding" "duh" goal.

I have been living in survival mode and not just because we have a baby or even because we have six kids. I have never gotten in a good rhythm of home keeping. The dishes get done, the laundry gets washed and the other stuff gets done when I notice it needs to be done. Chances are, if I'm noticing it should have been done yesterday or the day before or the day before that. You get the picture.

So I decided that the new year is as good a time as any to get a handle on things.

I used to pride myself on being organized, remembering dates and times and being "on the ball". In the past month or so I have been lacking in this area so this year I am making the calendar my BFF. I am going to write down birthdays, deadlines, appointments and then...I am going to review the calendar weekly. In the past I wrote things on the calendar but then I wouldn't look at the calendar until I was confirming my suspicions that I had missed something. Whoops.

I am making a list of daily and weekly chores I need to do and then I am going to do my best to follow it. I am not a strict schedule person by nature, but I know when I have a plan I am more likely to do things. I got my basic plan from http://www.halleethehomemaker.com/my-schedule/ and then I tweaked it to fit my life.

The next one is something I have been talking about forever and three days, making a chore chart for the kids. This is difficult for me because then I have to gasp parent and teach and enforce. It's so much easier to just do it myself (or not). But these are teachable moments, right? And it might just cut down on the hate mail I get from my future daughters-in-law. :)

The next goal I have set is to lead a healthier lifestyle. I want to make more conscious decisions about the food I'm eating, and maybe decide not to eat the chocolate or the piece of cake. I also want to make exercise a part of my life. I can find all sorts of excuses why I don't exercise, but they are all so lame. Willpower, where are you? Please come and stay with me. You visited me in October but you seem to have spent the Holiday out of town.

Last, but not least, I want to be intentional in my daily life. I want to get to the end of the day and think, "Wow, I really did something today." Not everything will be quantifiable, but it can be significant. I want to add meaning to my days in thought, word and deed.

These are my goals. Today is the boys' last day of break so I hope that I can intentionally spend time focused on them, and maybe we'll have something unhealthy to eat. I can hold off on that goal until Monday.

I pray that no matter what time of year we can all set big and small goals for ourselves. Goals show hope for the future. I pray for a hope-filled now and forever for each of us.

-Peace

Control Your Own Destiny

Control your own destiny or someone else will. Jack Welch.

I had this quote on my bulletin board in college. For years after graduation it was still tucked in my desk drawer. It's not there anymore, but I was reminded of it recently. (I also realized that I really didn't internalize this piece of wisdom as I seem to have spent most of my life expecting someone to take care of me.)

I've been struggling with the concept of controlling my own destiny a lot lately. It sometimes feels like it's in conflict with my belief that God is omnipotent, omniscient and omnipresent. BUT God gave free will soooooo, I guess that I do have to take some control (and responsibility) don't I?

This new light bulb finally came on, and I have realized that I have been doing the same things over and over and over again and expecting things to change. I really do need to stop doing the same things.

Not everything needs to change. Still got the 6 kids and the Husband and that's all staying put, as is my faith in God.

It's very easy to take a "victim" role but I need to "Control my own destiny" and not blame anyone else for what I feel isn't going the way I want it to. So I am going to branch out and see what happens and stop expecting someone else to take care of me or "fix things."

The first step in this is something that is already in motion...going back to graduate school this month to get a Masters in Counseling. I'm looking forward to building a career for myself and helping to support the family.

So that is where I am. Working to control my own destiny while being mindful of God's will in my life. I believe that the key is to move forward prayerfully and intentionally, setting goals and having a vision for the future.

Wishing you peace and clarity in 2011.

-Peace