Back When I Was...

Memories back when I was bold and strong...

Yeah, not so much.

I love the song Better Man by Pearl Jam, but to be clear I DO still love the Husband and I really don't think I could have married a better man. While we have disagreements and sometimes he totally ticks me off, we've gone through many life stresses that could have hurt our marriage, but ours has been strong for 17 years and I think it's got many more years to go. ('Til death and all that jazz.)

I have always loved the lyric I quoted above...I would say back when I was bold and thin though. ;)

But you know what I realized today...I am far bolder and stronger now than I was when I was younger (and thinner ;) ).

When I was younger I hid my weaknesses (or tried to) and thought it made me strong. It didn't. Aloof maybe. But what I've learned is that when I ask for help, that is showing strength...and wisdom, which comes with age.

I don't think I was bolder when I was younger either. I was far more timid about approaching people and about speaking up. I'm still a work in progress and have a lot more opportunity for growth, but I am heading in the right direction.

I guess it's all part of, "If I knew then what I know now." Looking back, I don't see a bold and strong young woman. I see a young woman looking for acceptance but perhaps not in the best ways or places. I see a young woman afraid to be rejected and afraid to make decisions.

I still fear rejection and I still want to be accepted, but I've learned where to look for those things. Most of all I know that I get all the unconditional acceptance I could ever need from God. When I remember that, it makes being bold a whole lot easier.

-Peace