The Other 364...

Happy Monday! I hope everyone had a beautiful Mother's Day full of those special moments that make you say, "aaah, these children are so wonderful. This is what it's all about." I know many people did. I saw their happy facebook posts about their perfect day.

My day...well, I got cards and thoughtful, loving gifts. I got hugs and lots' of "I love you, Mom"s. BUT the truth is, if you have to say something to the effect of, "I don't care how much he was kicking, elbowing or annoying you, it is never, ever okay to punch your younger brother [in church]" your day probably isn't going the way you'd like it to. Do you get my meaning? So I cried a lot yesterday. (Who am I kidding, I cry a lot anyway. ;) )

Today is a new day. I won't get cards or gifts. There will be no repeat of yesterday (and not just because we won't be in church.) Today I am changed. My heart feels bruised.

Like last Monday, I'm starting the day thanking God for this new day, expecting that He will "show up." I know I have lots of little things to get done. None of my chores is as important as caring for my children.

As I told the boys yesterday at lunch, it's not the cards and the "I love you"s on one Sunday of the year...it's how they behave toward me and each other (and others too) every single day of the year that matters to me. Lip service one day of the year isn't what I'm looking for. I'm hoping and praying that I'm raising boys that love God and each other...that are there for each other, that care for each other, that will honor and respect each other and the others they come in contact with.

Honestly, that's what being a mom is about for me...it's not about them loving me...I didn't have kids so they could love me. My prayer is that they will be, and continue to grow into, people who share God's love with others.

I hope that everyone had a marvelous yesterday and that today and tomorrow are just as filled with love.

-Peace

Happy Mother's Day Eve (Morning)... I Admire....

Do you know who I admire? People who can be open about their fears. People who can be open about their troubles. People who can let others see their vulnerabilities. People who have grace and dignity. People who always look put together.

Please note, I said admire not envy, because the two are very different and I'm working very hard not to be envious of what others have. I recognize that I am not equipped to handle what others have or what they do not have. (I read that sentiment somewhere and it made an impression.)

I harbor no illusions that I appear to be totally together. I probably look flustered by my life more than I actually feel flustered. (And I do spend a great deal of energy acting like I'm not bothered by something my very human children are doing.) I am rarely (if ever) "put together". I harbor no illusions that people think I'm "Super Mom."

But I'd like to at least appear as "together" and confident as the people around me..or at least as "together" as I see them. :) My biggest struggle is being open about my fears and struggles. I can be open with some people some of the time. However, I'm careful about who I share with.

Do you want to know why? Because I am afraid that all people will really be thinking is that I probably wouldn't be facing these issues if I didn't have "all those kids". (When I was pregnant with #3 someone close to me said, "You should have thought of that before you had all those kids." when one was sick and I had morning sickness..so yes, I fully expect it to be what is running through anyone's mind when I have a problem.)

But, you know what? Other than having more kids playing baseball or more kids complaining about what's for dinner..my struggles aren't very different than someone with one or two kids. I have the very same fears and worries, hopes and dreams.

I admit that this might be all in my head. A chip on my shoulder. An expectation of covert, if not overt, judgement of our choices. So I use these chips to build a wall to protect myself from the hurt that comes from those who make the "off the cuff" comments that cut so deeply.

BUT...when I can let myself be open that I'm hurting or scared or could use a "little help!" and I get the acceptance and support I so dearly need...whew! That is awesome! I am going to take some lessons from the people I admire and be more open about my fears. (The worries we have about the baby have helped me grow in this area already and I am thankful for the prayers and support I have received.)

So on this Mother's Day weekend, I wish every mom of one or many a wonderful day and a life full of supportive people to help them achieve their goals as moms. I pray that we can be open with our weaknesses and not need to feel like super women completing a huge list of daily accomplishments to see our value. Sometimes just being a regular old human mother, leaning on some other humans for strength..is pretty super too.

-Peace

"Mom! Mom! Mom!"

A few years ago, right after *I* was born, I cut a Baby Blues cartoon out of the newspaper and hung it on the refrigerator.

The comic is in three frames. The first frame is labeled First Baby and mom is saying, "Can you say Mommy?" over and over. The second frame is labeled Second Baby and baby #1 is saying "Mommy!" over and over while mom is saying to baby, "Can you say Mommy too?" The third frame, labeled Third Baby, has the two children saying (yelling?) "Mommy!" over and over and the mom is saying to baby, "Say anything as long as it's not Mommy."

http://www.babyblues.com/archive/index.php?GoToDay=2007-07-07

Obviously I identified with this comic when I cut it out. Today, *I* has been saying "Mommy" over and over and over again, whenever he picks up a toy, whenever he does anything. To be honest, while I am very thankful for his growing abilities, hearing "Mommy" over and over and over again...is starting to wear a little bit on my nerves.

And then I remembered..not only this cartoon, but something that was said at MOPS the other day. A sweet woman was talking about how sometimes the little things about being a mom are what wear her down and one of her friends suggested that instead of thinking of it as "I have to do X,Y or Z" think of it as "I get to do X,Y or Z."

I had a light bulb moment while standing at the kitchen island struggling with the battery door on a train while listening to the "Mom" refrain from one sweet little voice. I GET to hear "Mom" from that sweet little voice. And it's a privilege I shouldn't take for granted. I don't, in the grand scheme of things, take my children for granted. I look at each of them as a unique blessing. But sometimes I crave a little bit of quiet, some space for concentration and introspection. Sometimes I just want to complete a task in peace. ;)

I get to spend my day with this little guy (and I miss all the other beasties when they're away at school.) I get to learn a lot from these little guys. Things like how to really listen, how to multi-task, how to focus and how to be patient.

I get to watch each of these children learn and grow. Some days feel a little louder than others. Some days I say I'm changing my name. But each and every day I need to remember that the "Mom" refrain will eventually fade. While it might be a little wearing at times, this is a season I will remember fondly.

Hearing "Mom" over and over is really quite a special gift...and while I might joke about changing my name...it could never change who I am, who I get to be.

-Peace

Today I'm...All Over the Place.

Today...I'm wondering...why every time I do "pay-at-the-pump" at the gas station I still have to go in to get my receipt. Why can't they have a little paper is empty light or something. Seriously I would go to a different pump just for the convenience of not having to remove *I* from his car seat to schlep in for my receipt. I mean it kind of defeats the whole convenience factor, don't you think? (Can you tell this really irritated me this morning? ;) )

Today..I'm thankful...that I went to the grocery store and bought the food I wanted/needed. I could take it for granted, but I don't have to look very far to see people struggling for basics. I know that many people are one paycheck or personal crisis away from hunger and maybe even homelessness. To take a saying from my Mom, "There but by the grace of God go I."

Today...I...opened two e-mails from women with whom I have the privilege of attending MOPS. Both of them expressed to the whole group something that I feel every time I go to MOPS...Thankfulness for the support and friendship. Thankfulness for the knowledge that we can each come as we are on the inside (where we might be feeling stressed and flustered and overwhelmed by life) and on the outside...(where I personally feel like a big ol' pregnant mess and yet these women say how great I look even though they're all polished and beautiful. :)) I love them for stroking my fragile and hormonal ego. ;)

Today...I...am grateful for the wonderful friends I have made and the terrific family I have.

Knit With Love

This is the sweater I'm knitting for baby*M*. I think it's going to be sooo adorable! I can envision her wearing it with bright pink tights (or maybe some coordinating babylegs) and a skirt. :) *C* suggested I knit her a hat to go with it too. :) I'm thinking something kind of jaunty like a beret. What do you think?

I'm using this pattern http://www.spunkyhats.com/pattern_babysocksweater.htm and self-striping sock yarn. The yarn the creator of the pattern used had different striping, but it's been discontinued. :( The back panel has been completed and the front panel is in progress. I was almost done with the front panel when I dropped a stitch and it kept getting worse and worse as I tried to pick it up so I frogged it. It's not like I don't have time. I mean she's not going to be wearing this until October, right?

The needles in the picture aren't the needles I started with. I was doing this on a size one circular needle even though it's done flat. BUT last week *I* tried to pull the knitting from my hands and snapped my needle. (Mommy was not happy. :P) The store was all out of size one circular needles soooo feeling desperate to knit, I bought a set of double points and some point protectors and it seems to be working pretty well. Actually, I think it will work out better for attaching the sleeves using a 3 needle bind off (whatever that is...Google will be my friend when I get to that step.)

My mom taught me to knit scarves when I was little but I never got any further than that. When we went to seminary, many of the women were knitters and I decided to pick it up again. Between some generous help and what I read in books and online, I'm willing to try most any pattern. I mean, if it doesn't look right you can just rip it all out, re-roll the yarn and start over. LOVE that.

Knitting relaxes me and feels so productive. I love feeling the wool or silk or alpaca (not a fan of artificial fibers and the way they feel between my fingers). I love the colors and the creative process. It feels good to take a hank of yarn and make something useful out of it. It challenges me too, because I'm learning something new.

Would it be easier and cheaper to just buy a sweater, hat or scarf? Maybe. But when I knit something for someone, I'm knitting it up with prayers and love.

And as the song goes..."Cant buy me love."

-Peace

Those Days...

Do you ever have one of those days? No, not the bad, everything is going wrong days. Do you ever have one of those days when at the end of the day you feel refreshed even though you're exhausted... Where everything feels right with the world?

Those days leave me with a deep-down contentedness that gets my attention every time. I actually stop in the midst of the feeling and think, "This is what it's all about." (Not the Hokey Pokey. ;) )

Saturday we didn't do anything special. We went out for lunch. We took a long ride. We grilled...We spent the day together..And before baths and showers, we roasted marshmallows and played outside. It was just the perfect ending to a low-key day...and I was thankful. Thankful for the Husband and the children and the time spent together.

It's so easy to take these little pieces of everyday life for granted. They don't require elaborate planning. They're not flashy. But these days are what life is mostly about, don't you think? I mean we can live life for the big vacation once or twice or however many times a year (which are terrific, don't get me wrong), or we can experience each day as an opportunity to build relationships and experience the simple joys of living.

I forget that sometimes...Appreciating the simple joys. I'm not proud of it. Sometimes I get wrapped up in what isn't happening instead of what is. Not the greatest example for my kids, I know. But, like so many things, I'm working on it.

Thankfully, after a wonderfully simple but joyful day, I am reminded, at least for a little while, of what makes me truly deep-down to the tips of my toes happy.

-Peace

Expectation

"You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face and show the world, all the love in your heart. Then people gonna treat you better, you're gonna find, yes you will, that you're beautiful as you feel." Carole King, "Beautiful"

I love this song. I can remember listening to my sister's Carole King album when I was a little girl and singing along. Then, I remember having this on a mix tape in college and later the Husband bought me a Carole King CD.

I thought of this song again when I was reflecting on the sermon yesterday. We had a dynamic guest preacher who gave a wonderful message, or at least one that I really needed to hear. He was talking about waking up every morning expecting God to show up. Not in an "End Times" kind of way, but waking up in the expectation that God would be there with you. I think he called it " The expectation of the anticipation of God's manifestation." (My apologies to The Reverend Coplin if I got it wrong.)

I wake up believing that God is with me, but I also tend to wake up praying that something bad won't happen instead of expecting something good to happen. Kind of like the difference between going through life with a smile or a frown, don't you think?

So yesterday I decided to walk into situations expecting the best and not allowing the negatives to even get a foothold. A big undertaking considering my propensity to cup half-empty thinking. BUT...this is something I'm determined to work on. (With God's help.)

After all, how much of my life do I waste worrying about possibilities that never happen. And how many beautiful things do I miss when I'm on the lookout for the other shoe to drop. Too much and too many! So today is a new day. The Husband has this outlook, do you think he's going to take it personally that I had to hear it from a total stranger for it to sink in? I guess it's like when my kids believe what their teacher says even if I've told them a zillion times. ach! :)

So on this new day, I am going to work harder to walk in God's ways and clean up my act...and expect God to show up. Yes, He might show up to carry me through trouble (because God doesn't promise a life free of trouble, he promises we'll never be alone in it)..But He's going to be here and that frees me to smell the flowers or appreciate the raindrops...and live in the "Expectation of the anticipation of God's manifestation."

-Peace