I have the time, sort of, in the way we all have time, we just choose how we use it.
This morning I have to the time to sit here and write something witty that will hopefully make you laugh or t least strengthen your smile lines. And yet...
I just finished a school weekend and though the kiddos are on Spring Break only the two littles are at home with me this morning.
I have the time, but to what do I give my time? There are chores and children, hobbies and obligations. I have things I want to do and things I must do and things I need to do but would really rather ignore. Sometimes I get wrapped up in the things I want to do and lose sight of priorities of the best kind.
Last night I was reading a book and Miss M was having trouble settling down so I picked her up and snuggled her up next to me in bed. At first she was more interested in trying to grab the pages of my book but I read to her and she settled in. If she decides to be or marry a farmer when she grows up, maybe it's because I was reading her this book. Eventually she was still and silent, resting in the crook of my arm, breathing steady and relaxed hands resting gently on top of the white duvet.
I looked at her little hands, so big compared to what they were 33 weeks ago yet so tiny and soft, and I thought, what if life was just about taking the time and the space to just be present in this way with my children? What if there were no outside distractions? What if I just let life go around me and I did the laundry and the dishes and snuggle and read books and didn't get wrapped up in other things? In that cozy, quiet moment...my heart was overflowing with love and contentment..and a deep fear of what I may have been missing by doing all of the other hobbies and interests and activities; things that fill my life but maybe miss the point of what my life is about?
All I could think of was the poem that says, "I'm rocking the baby and babies don't keep." I know that babies don't keep because my first baby is visiting colleges and my other babies are growing up and reaching their own milestones. And that is my job as a mom, right? To get them to these milestones, to get them to the point where they are growing up and realizing their own dreams and goals. I am good with that. I can only hope that we've done our job pointing them in the right direction, to be good, honest, moral, God-loving individuals.
Do I sound melancholy? I'm not really going to enhance the laugh lines today, am I? I don't feel melancholy as much as I feel conflicted. I don't want to miss the things that "won't keep" in order to do something inconsequential. I have my own interests and dreams and hobbies, but some things, like dust bunnies, will always be there.
I'm trying to balance it all and sometimes the line I'm walking feels impossibly narrow and I feel the wobbling taking over. At those times, I need to stop and breathe and, yes, you guessed it, pray.
Lord, I pray for vision and understanding, that I may realize is best in this time and space. I know that whatever choices I make, You will find a way to use them for good and that there will be opportunities to learn and grow. It may not always feel good, but I think that's part of living in this human, broken world. How I respond, how each of us responds, can make all the difference.