A long, long time ago, a boy took me to see the movie Beaches. He told me later that he took me to see that movie so I could cry on his shoulder, and I did. Seriously. Big tearful sobs.
Today as I was hitting the seek button on the radio, one of the songs from the movie came on and I remembered the scene where the woman knows she has the same heart disease as her mother and she is frantically looking for a picture of her mother's hands. For her, the similarity of their hands is very important.
Frequently I look down at my own hands and see my mother's. I am not great about using hand cream, so my hands are often dry and cracked like hers. I have my mother's hands..and her high cholesterol. Remembering that scene from the movie, thinking about my mother's first heart attack at age 47 and her death from heart disease at 62 and 3 days, I found myself sinking into despair and frustration. I know what I need to do to be healthier but I cannot seem to stick with an exercise program and I do enjoy cookies.
By the time I got home from my errand, I was in a mood. I was snappish and well, not very nice. The truth is, I am angry at myself for not making changes and sticking to them. It's much easier to blame other people for my weaknesses than take responsibility. If it is this difficult to give up cookies and commit to exercise, I am really glad I don't smoke or need to break another addiction.
I look at my hands and see my mother. I remember how difficult it was when I was 10 and my mom had her first heart attack. I do not want my kids to go through that. I don't want to be unhealthy and yet...each day I fail to stick to my plan. I find excuses.
There are many things I share with my mother- her hands, her dark hair, her perfectionism. I'd really rather not share her health history. I need make changes. I need to stick to them.
A little less talk and A LOT more action. I guess it's all about deciding whether I want to suffer through an exercise program or suffer through something much more unpleasant that will negatively impact those I love the most.
I pray that I can follow through with exercise. I pray that when I fall off the wagon, I get back on instead of giving up.