Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Chipping Away At My "Log"

I have an opinion. Then I look in the mirror and I remember that verse in the Bible about removing the log in my own eye before worrying about the speck in someone else's.

No, I am not confessing to sending lewd e-mails or photographs. That is not my struggle, my "log" so to speak.

No, friends, my "log" is the fact that I cannot seem to face the reality that my metabolism is not what it was when I was 20. My impulse seems to be that when I have a craving for Swedish Fish or a cookie, I just walk to the kitchen and attempt to satisfy that craving, until the next one comes along.

I never had an emotional attachment to food. Maybe I had a reverse attachment? I used to lose my appetite whenever I was stressed or upset. After my mother died my only sustenance for several days was Coca Cola, everything else made me nauseous. Now, I eat when I'm bored, when I'm worried, when I read a book that talks about an enticing recipe. When I feel like eating, I eat. Instead of curbing the impulse, I go with it.

Yesterday I had a turning point. First, I tried on clothes and had an unpleasant reality check and then, I realized I cannot really talk about another's inability to keep impulses in check if I drink a soda or have a few cookies just because they're there.

I also realized that it's not just about my weight but how I want to feel. I want to feel strong and healthy, not squishy and weak.

In the evening I was chatting by the food table with my MOPS ladies (again. ;) ). I realized the women I was standing with, thin and chic and so strong, make the time to exercise and eat healthfully and I realized what a lazy slug I have been. I needed to act, not think about acting. I needed to curb the impulse to make excuses for why I could Not and make time to DO the work I need to do to reach the goal of health and strength and wellness and wholeness.

So today, I got up and fed the girly and ate old-fashioned oatmeal made with water and cinnamon, and then I exercised for 45 minutes. I felt so good (if a little sweaty) afterward. It felt good to move. It felt good to make a goal and at least follow through for one day. I felt energized and empowered because I acted in a positive way. I could have followed my impulse to wait for a perfect time or to be able to afford to join a gym, but instead I thought about the consequences of my inaction.

I said, "No," to the easy way, which is already showing me unpleasant consequences. I said, "No," to the coffee and the maple syrup on my oatmeal. I will find my way through this, but I am coming to terms with the reality that just because I have an impulse to eat an ice cream cone or a handful of cookies, it doesn't mean I need to act on it. I will discover the meaning of treat as something that happens on occasion instead of every day, multiple times.

While I have not fully removed the log from my eye, I can see it clearly. I am chipping away at it. I'm sure there will always be specks and new logs will take this logs place, but my goal is to make this one into mulch. :) '


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