Sometimes I just don't even know what to say or think or feel.
Last week I spent a lot of time asking God to give me the words to speak and to know when to speak them and when to be quiet. That is a delicate and mysterious thing and not always my gift. But things are improving. I am able to turn my gaze outward again and am so appreciative of the love and support my friends offered and so freely shared.
This afternoon, I read a message that left me feeling...numb. It was not something totally unexpected but still I thought, "Well, that just sucks!" (If the word "sucks" offends you, I apologize.) I was hoping for a different outcome. I was praying for a miracle instead of this finite timeline for some dear friends.
As my husband stood across the breakfast bar, I read him the message. He sighed. I think he may have said, "That just sucks" but I'm not sure.
I am not a loud fighter (though the Husband may dispute this) but I do hold out hope that the timeline is not as short as the experts say. Perhaps they will experience that gift of time we so often read about when smiling and healthy looking people say, "The doctors said I had X left and that was 10 years ago."
I do know one thing, I have faith in our medical community. I believe doctors want to heal their patients and that they do not give up.
But, you know in whom I have more faith? Come on, you know what I'm going to say. I have more faith in God who writes the story of our lives, knows the number of hairs on our heads and the burdens of our heart to know how many days we have left to walk on this earth. I have faith that healing comes in many forms, in body and heart and soul. I have faith that whatever time any of us have on this earth can be used for His glory. God can use anything for good and I grip that with two hands through all the pain and worry of my life.
I pray that my friends can do that for now and for always. I pray for them to feel peace and comfort in the days and months ahead, knowing that they are loved and prayed for by so many and that through whatever they may face, God is still walking alongside them. Does that sound like a trite and hollow promise when one is facing something tragic? To some it may. For me...it is what keeps me hanging on and moving forward. It is where my hope and strength come from...because they sure don't come from me.
Can you join me in prayer for those battling illnesses, for their families and friends, caregivers and medical personnel? Lord, thank you for your gifts and blessings, for being with us through it all and for holding us up when we feel alone and numb, scared and confused. When we doubt, fill us with faith. When we are angry, fill us with calm. When we are hopeless...fill us with hope in Your kingdom. Amen.