Today I was praying quite emotional prayers, head down to the ground, just crying out to God. It was a conversation, an impassioned one.
I was crying out in fear. Fear of my own inadequacy. "God," I cried, "Please help me. I am trying to do everything I can but it's never enough." As I sobbed into the carpet, I heard the whisper, "I am enough, you can never be enough, but I am enough." He is enough. God is enough.
I am trying to give my fear to God, to see His provision, His strength and His sword-wielding skills as enough. (Yes, I do love that image, thank you, Lisa Harper.) But my human self tells me I need to be in control. The tough part is, that I cannot be in control of this. I can act, I can make efforts, I can do my best to respond, but control is not totally mine. I. Do. Not. Like. It. Not. One. Bit. It's very scary.
Wednesday night I had a dream that I had huge shards of glass in my neck and chest. It was symbolic of my pain and as I go through each day since then, I feel those shards still. It's unnerving. It is not of God to feel this sort of fear. It is not of God to feel this sort of doubt. This situation is not of God but of lies whispered by an evil one who is able to get into the cracks in hearts and minds of people, deceiving and distracting them from the great blessings of God.
I know that things could be so much worse than they are. I hope and pray it doesn't go down that path. I am doing my best to prevent it but I know I need to trust in others and in God to fight this battle alongside me. None of us is alone in this crazy world of whispers of hope and of deceit.
We can choose what we listen to and I am hopeful that the voice of Truth is loud enough to discredit the lies.