My Undoing...

The lemon squares made me do it. No really, I sort of turned into my mother this morning and it was over a pan of lemon squares.

I've made them before but not in a long time and in a flash of *ahem* "brilliance" I decided they would be the perfect thing to bring to MOPS this morning. Umm, no. They taste delicious but the crust was really crisp and when I tried to cut them they looked a little rough around the edges, if you get my meaning.

So there I stood at the kitchen counter sobbing over lemon squares. I couldn't bring those things to MOPS (no matter how good they tasted) and I had too much to do before I left, and I'm as big a house, and every other "crisis" this morning added on top of it and Mama lost it...over the lemon squares.

Such a shining example I was this morning. I feel terrible that I was in mid-crisis when *C* left for school, such a great way for him to go off and face the bullies on the bus (another thing to worry about).

My mom used to get very stressed when she cooked. She didn't cry over food, to my memory, but she got rather unpleasant. ;) There are few things that cause me such distress in the kitchen. (I no longer try to decorate fancy cakes for the boys though, because it was one more way I worked myself into a tizzy and the Husband said, is it really worth it?)

If I made the lemon squares for the family, the outcome would have been fine. If the birthday cake wasn't going to be surrounded by people and covered with candles and pictures weren't going to be taken, I wouldn't stress so much about that either. BUT...the lemon squares were for others and so were the birthday cakes ...and they weren't perfect.

I don't claim to be perfect, but I don't want to highlight my already glaring inadequacies either...and that's what failed lemon squares and imperfectly decorated birthday cakes signified to me. Sometimes I feel like everyone else can manage everything else with such ease and grace, and I'm waddling along (feeling sorry for myself) and being sub-par.

And then it hit me...I was so focused on the appearance that I missed out on what really mattered. Yes, some might judge me by the lemon squares and find me lacking...but others might take a bite and enjoy their tangy deliciousness.

My heart was definitely not in the right place this morning. I missed out on making the best of my lemons (and lemon squares). The teachable moment with my kids...probably taught them the wrong way to handle something that turns out poorly. (Does that mean a double fail? Sigh.)

So this afternoon when I see my boys, I'm going to apologize for my tantrum. I'm going to tell them that sometimes things don't work out but having a meltdown over it isn't going to fix it or make you feel any better. Instead, I usually feel worse because in addition to whatever didn't work out I also feel badly about my reaction.

Sometimes you have to take a deep breath, shrug your shoulders and figure out plan b. Today I was undone by an 8 x 8 pan of dessert. Talk about sweating the small stuff. (Go ahead and roll your eyes...I wouldn't blame you.)

By the way, the lemon and key lime tarts I bought on the way were delicious.

-Peace

Oh Happy Day!

We sat and sat and sat and sat...and you know what happens the more I sit and wait? (No this is not about potty training :P ) The more I waited for my appointment with the maternal-fetal specialist, the more anxious I got. Well, I guess I was more antsy than anxious.

The Husband was there beside me and a dear sweet friend stayed at home with *I* (and vacuumed my living room...my mother rolled over in her grave, I'm sure, that my living room wasn't picture perfect...but I thank my friend from the bottom of my shame-filled heart.)

My appointment was at 11, I was supposed to get there at 10:30 for admission...and I finally got called back to the room after 12. I paced a little bit while waiting (and started to make plans if the waiting went too much longer as far as childcare etc. because my dear sweet friend had children to get off the bus.)

I did not, like another waiting room resident, go out to the hall and start asking everyone who passed by when she was getting called and so on..I'm not sure whether someone finally took pity on her and called her back or she gave up. (The husband suggested to me that maybe she was getting impatient because her appointment was at 9 ;)...He's good for comic relief. :) )

I thought about leaving, but seeing if everything was OK with the baby girl was too important to me. I did wish I'd brought my knitting though...there are only so many baby magazines I can read...you must have this (overpriced) gadget (ummm, no!), wear this outfit (not with these arms, thank you very much).

So after pacing the waiting room and worrying for the past three weeks....the baby girl looks "dandy". That's exactly what the Dr. said. We even have a three vessel umbilical cord. :) The tech at the radiology office evidently made an inconclusive statement which is what got us the level 2 u/s...and here I was all panicked for 3 weeks about something that wasn't even an issue. Do you hear the angels singing Hallelujah? I kind of thought I did. There were no visible issues. Those are my words, no one else's. (The Dr. did say everything look normal, my word is visible.)

I guess what I'm saying is that while I am walking on air and letting myself get excited about my daughter (because we got confirmation of the gender too) I recognize that we still face unknowns with her, just like we face unknowns with our boys... ourselves too, for that matter.

Some say the only guarantees in life are death and taxes. I look at it differently. I am 100% sure, no matter what, God is walking alongside. No matter what else I face, faith gets me through (especially when I have people who model God in my life.)

I am so thankful for the kindness and prayers. We're truly excited to welcome our baby girl into the world (even if they did move my due date back a week or so :P).

-Peace

Thrills

Woo! Busy weekend! But, really who doesn't have a busy weekend..or a busy life? It's part of the joy of it, right? No seriously, I've been thinking about this. I was listening to the oldies station on the radio (80s is oldies...ach!) and Jack and Diane by John Cougar Mellencamp (I think that's what he was going by when that song came out???) came on..."Life goes on, long after the thrill of living is gone." So if you have the patience to read my babble about our weekend of suburban parental stuff...I'll get around to my thoughts on thrills.

Saturday there were errands to run (oops *E* had a Birthday party to attend and Mom left the gift shopping until last minute...just like something else she needed to pick up, *C* needed a pick up from a sleepover, *N* had an 11 am practice, *E* had that party at 1 and then there were baseball games at 6.) Fortunately the Husband and I combined forces, split up the kiddos and headed out to get it all done.


Sunday we all had a hard time getting out of bed but made it to Sunday School. After lunch *J* got his hair cut and I dashed to the craft store to search for some scrapbooking paper before my friend picked me up at 2 for five hours of scrapbooking. (I did five pages of when *E* was born..in 2004).

So I'm driving down the road singing along with the oldies (shudder) and started really thinking about those lyrics... My life is pretty boring. I mean I have friends who take fabulous vacations and live what I consider very sophisticated and interesting lives. They go places and do things. Me? I'm doing laundry, stepping on Legos, changing diapers...my monthly scrapbooking day is about as wild as it gets. ;) (Unless you're thinking about my beasties and yes, they can be wild. :) )

Don't think I'm complaining....I'm not. This is the life I chose. I'm content; happy even. But I started thinking about what the things are that make life worth living. Maybe I'm just not a thrill seeker? I don't think the big thrills are what it's all about. That right there probably explains so much about me. :O

Or maybe I find thrills in small stuff...a successful trip to Target (meaning by the time we checked out, I did not want to tear my hair out. :) ), hearing that my 10 yo played his best and hustled on the baseball field, teaching Sunday School to pre-kindergartners, eating meals as a family, getting all the kids to bed, watching a movie with the Husband...I do confess that sometimes I am envious of my friends' interesting lives, but we all have our unique lives and the grass is always greener....

But if the thrill of living is gone...does that mean we're only in it for the big stuff? The first date, the first kiss, the first anything? Is that what always needing more and bigger and better and keeping up with the Jones' is all about? Is it about constantly trying to find the big thrills? If it is...I think we're missing out on something. Correction...we ARE missing out on something. All you have to do is spend just a little time seeing things through the eyes of a small child to recognize this.

So while I get to live my mundane life, I have the privilege of seeing the small stuff and appreciating it. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in the busyness and getting whatever done (am I being Mary or Martha?) that I miss things and when I miss things I forget about what life is about and the "thrill" of all the small stuff that means so very much.

I hope that somehow, I can model for my kids that the thrill of living is not about the big stuff and it's not something external. The thrill of living is in the actual act of living and breathing. It's a gift not to be taken lightly.

I pray you can find big joys (thrills even) in the little, mundane parts of your day.

-Peace

Feeling the Love

I did not run away yesterday. Whenever I joke about it, the Husband says he would find me. I think he'd be fine raising 5 boys solo, but he seems to find my presence necessary to keep things running what passes as smoothly. It's good to be needed...and when someone values your worth and what you do.

I was reading The Power of the Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian the other day. In it she was talking about how feeling valued and loved helps you to let the negative comments of others roll off more easily. In other words, if my kids feel valued, accepted and loved at home, they will be less likely to take it to heart when someone says something hurtful or demeaning.

I think that for the most part it is true. I don't think it means we affirm them always, giving false praise and an inflated sense of self-worth so that they begin to think they're the center of the universe, and that's not what she was suggesting either. Instead, it's about that unconditional love we try to give as parents. It's listening and taking an active interest and saying "I love you" and being emotionally present.

I think the reason I can be the person I am is because I have the partner I have. I could not be as at peace with the other struggles if I didn't have a man like the Husband walking alongside through it all, to affirm and value me as a woman, a wife and a mother.

I'm not perfect. I've said that before and I'll say it again and again. We don't always agree. BUT I know that no matter what else, I am valued and loved by him. The Husband does a pretty good job of loving me as Christ loved the church. (I, however, am not so good at following the first part of that statement. )

I pray that you feel valued and loved and that you can share that with your family too.

-Peace

You Can't Quit

My motto is, "Those who turn and run away live to fight another day." (I don't know who said it.) In other words, when the going gets tough, I'd gladly run in the other direction or bury my head in the sand. I'm not proud of it...but if I'm being honest....I am a bit of a anti-confrontational wimpy type. (I can still hear my mother saying, "That's it, run away" whenever there was an argument in the house when I was growing up I would go upstairs. They were never violent, I just don't like the confrontation.)

Today I realized that while sometimes being a parent is painful, I can't quit, run away or bury my head in the sand. I have to advocate when something is not quite right. I have to address the issues. I need to be a big girl.

To use one of my 5 yo's phrases, I don't love it.

SIGH.

But, really, I can't just pick up my Barbies and hit the road, ya know? Their dad and I are entrusted with their care. I kind of have an obligation here. God gave me this privilege and I need to do what I was called to do, regardless of how hard or easy it is.

Fortunately, along with the privilege God gives me the support. When I feel worried or sad, I need to turn it over to God. While I might not always be able to fix the boys' problems, I can be present to say, "I love you." I can remind them that they are Children of God and that they are to be examples of God's love even when they are facing adversity (or unreasonable people.)

So I can't just run away....and I never would. But sometimes, I'd like a little vaca from the worry and the stress. I know what I need to do is fully turn it over to God...I'm working on it.

-Peace

Obstacles...Or Not.

Scrrrrrrrrrrrch. Scrrrrrrrrrrrch. Any guesses what that sound is (supposed to be ;) )? Do you give up? That would be the sound of a chair sliding across the tile kitchen floor. I turned to see *I* sliding the chair across the floor. He was watching me to see my reaction.

I didn't move. I waited and watched. You see, I have learned that if he is caught in the act and I respond immediately, he abandons his mission and I was really curious what he was going after with this chair. He wasn't in immediate danger so I waited him out while he watched me all smiles and innocence.

His objective was a pastry box on the counter. He had no idea what delight might be awaiting him, but this box was new and must be investigated. (At least I assume that's what he was thinking ;) )

I am no longer surprised by my boys' problem solving skills. For many years I have observed great feats of engineering and creativity to achieve their objectives. Fortunately, no one has been injured in these attempts...yet. (I have to say "yet" and knock on wood too, lest I jinx myself. ;) )

I am glad they have such skills and I hope that as they get older, they can use these skills to scale any "brick walls" that someone may place in the way of their (honorable) goals, whether they be the brick and mortar walls or intangible obstacles.

The boys also have the valuable trait of determination. Well, it's mostly valuable..sometimes it drives me bonkers. Sometimes pushing hard for something you want is a great thing, but there is also the whole "be reasonable" thing.

When *J* was 3 or 4 he wanted to go to the moon and he was EXTREMELY angry that he could not hop the next rocket ship to get there. Pretending just didn't cut it. No matter how much he begged, cried or yelled, we weren't going to be able to convince NASA to send our preschooler into space. (Although after this tantrum, I would have signed the consent...maybe.)

Not everything they are determined to get is as "unreasonable" as a trip into space. Sometimes it's something we don't have time for or cannot afford. Sometimes it's unsafe or inappropriate for them. That doesn't matter to them. They WANT it.

I think that's why I love this quote so much. "Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable, inasmuch as he has the fountain of reason in him not yet regulated." Plato

They're bright and tenacious and great at solving problems, but they aren't always reasonable. It's our job as their parents to be that voice of reason for them. It doesn't always make us popular but that's part of the job description.

We often have to make our own judgement calls about when to let them "problem solve" and when to shut down the operation. Sometimes I don't catch the determined "trouble shooter" in time and they make a bad choice...and then there are consequences. But, God uses all things for good, even the consequences. :)

This morning..there were no "consequences"...and being the softy I am, *I* got a taste of the pastry. :)

-Peace

Lullabies to Monopoly...

"May God bless and keep you always. May your Wishes all come true. May you always do for others and let others do for you. May you build a ladder to the stars and climb on every rung and may you stay forever young." Bob Dylan wrote Forever Young, and I grew up hearing Joan Baez sing it.



I used to sit for hours listening to my mom's Joan Baez albums and Simon and Garfunkel, Jim Croce and Charles Aznavour too. (The Aznavour albums are a special memory because they were in french and my mother would translate some of the lyrics.)



Forever Young is one of the songs I used to sing to my babies as a lullaby. I would sit in the rocking chair and rock and sing and they didn't complain if I was off key or forgot some of the words and hummed instead.

It's good to remember those days when just being mom was enough. I didn't embarrass them by existing, as long as their needs were met they were happy. (We have to explain the meaning of need and want these days. ;) )

Now that personalities, likes and interests have emerged, we have different relationships. I am still their mom, not their friend, but I need to find those common things we can share. The Husband has found it easier to bond with the boys because they all share the interest in trains, baseball, Monty Python, Star Wars...you see where I'm heading with this?

I can show interest in their interests, but it's not the same as bonding over which train line runs where or baseball stats..because it's not stuff that is part of who I am. So I find it easier, more natural, to bond with them over nature hikes, books (the middles and I read Farmer Boy and the Adirondack Kids series together last year and it was wonderful) and games. I also like to surprise them with homemade cookies or other little treats like that. (*N* wrote in his Mother's Day paragraph about me that I'm smart because I know recipes for things like Sugar and Spice cookies and French Bread. :O )

So, like I shared the music with my mom, I find other things to share with the boys.

It gets more complicated than lullabies as they get older, but as I watch them grow I only hope they stay "forever young" in how they see the world...open, accepting and with childlike faith.

-Peace