I enjoy reading Max Dubinsky. Something in the post I linked above pricked at my heart and soul and speaks to why I haven't been writing here or doing a lot of things lately. It's more than this, it's linked to bigger questions too, but when I read in the above linked post about how people had been going to church to,
"...Celebrate the fact that everything was going to be okay...Unfortunately, when we show up today, it’s not always what we find. The
guilt I found in all the churches I’ve attended, I believe it creeps its
way in to our hearts when the celebration fades out. When we stop
believing everything is going to be okay.." Max Dubinksy.."What I Learned About the Church While Seeking God Outside Of It" makeitmad.com.August 1, 2012
I guess maybe for me, it's the question, "What if...?" linked with the idea that maybe, just maybe, everything is not going to be okay that has thrown me into a proverbial tailspin, and midlife crisis.
I have questions and doubts and frustrations. Life has always had ups and downs and "all-arounds", but right now I feel disoriented; I'm underwater and cannot find my way to the surface. It's....disconcerting, and also maybe a little freeing. It's frightening and sometimes it makes me angry.
I don't know if I've lost myself or am still finding my true self. Does this make me sound crazy? I hope not! I've spent a lifetime being what other people expected or wanted. I still do that, but I want to have a little balance and a little more choice in how I respond and fill their needs. But I wonder, what if the true me isn't "okay"?
I guess I will find out.