Wednesday, August 8, 2012


This morning, Little Miss Almost 2 was whining/ crying across the kitchen, "Mamaaaaa!" because her favorite DVD wasn't working properly and who knows what else wasn't going right in her world.  There were tears in her eyes and she just wasn't a happy camper.

I bent down to pick her up and she turned away, crossing her arms,  to look out the window (probably hoping to see her favorite Harley riding neighbor- a post for another day).  She did turn back to me and raised her arms for me to hold her and snuggle in for a moment of comfort.

In that moment, as I kissed her little mulletted  head, I remembered my own desires for comfort and how I seek them and where I find them, or don't.

You see, I expect love and comfort and peace and satisfaction to come from the people in my life, or from within me.  I expect that the Husband or my kids or my friends or a job or vocation or hobby or food will fill the void.  According to the Bible, only God can fill that void.

So the other day, in my frustration, I stood in the shower, crying (because apparently I can only cry in the shower, otherwise I can't cry, I can only stop to explain to concerned onlookers why I am crying which, while it is nice to have 10 year-olds care, it would be nice to be allowed to experience a feeling not have to give a dissertation about it).  In my frustration, my, "I don't know if  everything is really going to be okay." I said, "I don't know how to let You fill, me Lord."  I thought I knew and now, I am not sure how to let God fill that void and live in that place of peace.

It's a little like dancing naked, admitting here, for the world to read, that I am not sure how to let God fill me right now.

I have been hearing the word integrity a lot from my supervisor, about being the person of integrity in the room.  I asked my fb peeps what they thought integrity meant and so I hope I am acting with integrity by saying that I am struggling with this how right now.  I am struggling with how?  and  what if...? and  why not...?  I am surely not the first human and I will surely not be the last.  If it offends you... well, you can pray for me or you can stop reading or shrug, well, whatever. 

As for me... I just have to find a way to walk through this and get to the other side, soothing a mulletted-head little Miss and getting her biggest bro off to college, getting the middles ready for another school year.  I will do my best to be His hands and feet as I am able, being that I am sorely broken, like the rest of the world, I might add.

-Peace, from one vessel to another


  1. I've been away and I miss reading your blog. I love your comment about not having to give a dissertation...I know the feeling and have 2 sons. I can't go to the bathroom without one of my 3 knocking and asking where something is or tattling. I don't think I have anywhere to go and be exactly how I want to be but in my heart. I believe God is working in your life and your heart. Experience every emotion you have and move through it. I have had moments in my life when I would sob. I didn't dwell but had so much sadness inside. If God was working in my life and I had to experience the hardships I was going through I asked Him to ease someone else's pain. I could somehow endure if I helped someone else's pain. I prayed and he has carried me through so much. It has been several months since you wrote and I hope and pray you are well.
    Peace to You and Yours!

  2. I am so glad I found your blog, and that I am following your posts. Please come visit and follow my blog?

    Thanks for reading my comment!!

  3. oh such a lovely post! It's hard isn't it, to admit to others that following Him isn't easy? It isn't, but I don't think it's supposed to be.......anyway, just a hug for you and to say that I've missed reading. I hope you are all well.

  4. Love this! Thank you for your honesty and open heart.