This morning, Little Miss Almost 2 was whining/ crying across the kitchen, "Mamaaaaa!" because her favorite DVD wasn't working properly and who knows what else wasn't going right in her world. There were tears in her eyes and she just wasn't a happy camper.
I bent down to pick her up and she turned away, crossing her arms, to look out the window (probably hoping to see her favorite Harley riding neighbor- a post for another day). She did turn back to me and raised her arms for me to hold her and snuggle in for a moment of comfort.
In that moment, as I kissed her little mulletted head, I remembered my own desires for comfort and how I seek them and where I find them, or don't.
You see, I expect love and comfort and peace and satisfaction to come from the people in my life, or from within me. I expect that the Husband or my kids or my friends or a job or vocation or hobby or food will fill the void. According to the Bible, only God can fill that void.
So the other day, in my frustration, I stood in the shower, crying (because apparently I can only cry in the shower, otherwise I can't cry, I can only stop to explain to concerned onlookers why I am crying which, while it is nice to have 10 year-olds care, it would be nice to be allowed to experience a feeling not have to give a dissertation about it). In my frustration, my, "I don't know if everything is really going to be okay." I said, "I don't know how to let You fill, me Lord." I thought I knew and now, I am not sure how to let God fill that void and live in that place of peace.
It's a little like dancing naked, admitting here, for the world to read, that I am not sure how to let God fill me right now.
I have been hearing the word integrity a lot from my supervisor, about being the person of integrity in the room. I asked my fb peeps what they thought integrity meant and so I hope I am acting with integrity by saying that I am struggling with this how right now. I am struggling with how? and what if...? and why not...? I am surely not the first human and I will surely not be the last. If it offends you... well, you can pray for me or you can stop reading or shrug, well, whatever.
As for me... I just have to find a way to walk through this and get to the other side, soothing a mulletted-head little Miss and getting her biggest bro off to college, getting the middles ready for another school year. I will do my best to be His hands and feet as I am able, being that I am sorely broken, like the rest of the world, I might add.
-Peace, from one vessel to another