Seeking. Looking for the wrong things in the wrong places.
Do you ever have times like that? Times where you cannot see the forest for the trees?
I've had a few weeks of that. That explains why I haven't written. I've been navel gazing, but not in the right frame of mind. I'm still hitting the treadmill daily. I'm still seeking to choose my own destiny and reclaim the awesome I've lost (if I ever had it???).
The big picture just got a little out of focus for me.
Interestingly, as I was having my own crisis of identity, responsibility, even faith to some degree; the rest of my life was showing the strain from my own cracks. I was trying to go through the motions and put a smile on my face but my friends (and family) noticed. I was forgetful, snappish and just not me. (Well the snappishness might be "me". ;) )
One of my friends said, "You don't have to put a smile on for us, what's going on?" Another invited me for coffee and then said, "Okay, I'm here, I'm a listening ear. What's going on?" I told them I needed to work it out in my own head, because I did.
This week I told a trusted mentor and friend that her comments about the way Satan will find a crack to get a toehold had hit home for me and that I was struggling. She didn't pry. She didn't judge. She prayed and she supported and in telling her I was struggling, I found peace.
I was unable to go to God myself then because I felt so lost, so separated from Him through my own inner turmoil and while friends reached out to toss me a life preserver of sorts, I was not ready to grab it.
I share this with you for a few reasons. 1. To share that sometimes even when we're well-intentioned and loving, people may not be ready to receive our help or blessings. 2. To share that even when you feel totally alone and lost, God will bring someone to you, to be His hands and feet and love you when you're feeling unlovable. 3. To share that you can lose your focus and get off track, but through His grace you can find your way back (hopefully none of us get too far off track) .
I recently heard Toby Mac's "Made to Love You" and few verses spoke to my heart: Check my reflection, I ain't feelin' what I see, It's no mystery. Whatever happened to a passion I could live for? What became of the flame that made me feel more? And when did I forget that...I was made to love you?......I feel the haters spittin' vapors on my dreams, but I still believe.
This and I hear a seminary professor saying, as she so frequently did, "Remember who you are and Whose you are." Wiser words I may never hear. Because even as I seek "me", my Creator already knows. Being authentically and awesomely me is a fulfillment of that creation.
I have said many times this week that I feel abundantly blessed to have amazing friends. I do. They bring me peace and joy and love, they pray and laugh and cry with me.
God knows who I am when I do not. God leads me where I need to go when I am lost. God brings me people to show me love when I am feeling most unlovable. God has blessed me with amazing friends because God knows how much I need them. My prayer is that I can be that kind of friend to them too.