This Little Piggy Made My Day...

Considering I really don't have a high tolerance for drama from others, I sure can be dramatic myself. I hate that. (I tell my kids "hate" is a very strong word and I'm using it here because I really do hate when I am such a hypocrite.)

This morning I woke up feeling all sorts of anxiety about what might be 'wrong' with baby *M*. You see, I woke up with one of the possibilities screaming in my brain and it kind of got the best of me. Unfortunately, the might was the one part whispering. I hate that too. The Husband knows I'm like this, hence his warning to "stay away from Google." I mean no disrespect to Google, but sometimes it's better to not know things. ;)

Anyway...I was a big old funky, tearful mess this morning. And wouldn't you know it? Those other beautiful blessing I have..I wasn't so much looking at them as blessings...because their chatter and breakfast and "stuff" was preventing me from retreating into my own head where all my drama was hanging out.

Then the not-quite-3 yo held up his feet to me and said, "Do piggies! Do piggies!" And while "this little piggy went to market and this little piggy stayed home and all the way through the little piggy that went wee wee weee all the way home" he laughed from deep down in his belly..and I smiled and remembered the blessings I have right now, even when they chatter endlessly and bicker and cannot decide on what they want for breakfast.

After the older boys went off to school the Husband listened to all my "what ifs". He reminded me that each day is a gift. We have a choice about how we face each day and we can face it in love or in fear.

So today, I am not going to hang out with my drama...instead I will choose to count my Blessings and maybe we'll "Do piggies!" a few more times.

-Peace

This Gift...

I received this pot for Christmas in 1999. It might seem strange that I remember that. I cried when I opened it. Not tears of joy. To the Husband's chagrin, I did not appreciate this 3 1/2 quart Calphalon pot. (He has quite an appreciation of fine cooking implements.)

I am not proud of my ungrateful spirit. In my defense I was FIVE days overdue with *C* and just a little emotional..and he gave me a pan for Christmas. Waaah.

It probably isn't easy to see from the picture, but I use this pan a lot. I love it. I might not have known I wanted it, but it has been a great addition to the kitchen.
AND this morning, I looked at the bottom of this pan to see what size it was and discovered it was the right size to bake the artisan bread I saw on http://simplyrealfood.blogspot.com/ yesterday. YAHOOO!!! We love artisan bread but I've never been able to successfully make it at home. I'm hopeful this will be a winner. :) My plan is to start the process today and bake it tomorrow.

I didn't know I wanted this pan, but it has been wonderful in our kitchen and will now allow me to try a new recipe. There are lots of gifts (tangible and intangible) that I didn't know I wanted (or didn't think I wanted) that have been huge blessings. There have also been things I've ached for, wished and hoped for 'more than anything', that I haven't received..and I am fairly certain that was for the best too. In keeping with my country music theme..as the Garth Brooks song goes..."Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

As a funny afterward to the pan for Christmas...6 days later on New Years Eve morning the Husband and the midwife had a wonderful conversation about cooking gadgets and pots and pans and knives...and I was thinking.."Hello! I'm having a baby here! Stop talking about the darned pans and pay attention to ME!"

-Peace

Reality..It's What You Need.

"Sometimes she stares out the window And wonders about her Hollywood dreams But
when she tucks her kids in bed She softly whispers as they fall asleep Somebody
must be prayin' for me Somebody out there must be prayin' for me Ain't it funny
how you always find Just what you need Somebody must be prayin' for me"
Tim McGraw Somebody Must Be Praying For Me

I've never had "Hollywood dreams" per se, but I can honestly say the life I'm living isn't exactly what I was planning when I was growing up.

For one thing, I never and I do mean NEVER thought I would have 5 never mind 6 kids..and never did I imagine sons. I always imagined having two daughters with names like Tatiana and Kaylee. But 6 children..that never even crossed my radar.

I thought I would live in "the city" and have a career and buckets of disposable income. Umm..yeah. Now I live in a suburb of a small city and dream of living in the country. I'm very happy to be at home, although I do want to finish that Masters. I do still dream of the buckets of disposable income. ;)

My life may not be perfect. My kids aren't perfect. The Husband (sorry honey) isn't perfect. I am most certainly not perfect. But..Life is good.

The dreams I had when I was 15 or even 20 really don't hold a candle to the life I live now, in all it's mundane, middle class "glory". I guess, to quote Taylor Swift in another song, "I didn't know who I was supposed to be at 15."

I'm thankful that I have found myself..pretty much...as an imperfect wife and a mom. (Which means that maybe all those dolls I played with as a little girl were more indicative of my future than anyone realized. ;))

"Ain't it funny how you always find, just what you need? Somebody must be prayin' for me."

-Peace

What Feeds Your Monster?

Do you have a monster? What does it look like? I'm not talking about the kiddos. :) I'm talking about that thing that has power in your life and isn't productive or helpful or even living and breathing.

For some people it's money (or the lack of it). For some it's food. For some it's a job or lack of one. The monster is that thing which manages to get a handle on emotions and actions and take over a little bit of the rational thinking.

My monster is worry. It has been for as long as I can remember. The Husband has said I'm not happy unless I have something to worry about. I beg to differ, because the worry doesn't make me happy, it makes me quite the opposite. But, it serves an (irrational) purpose.

I can explain, a little bit. This started when I was a child. I recognize it's irrational. (Am I protesting too much?) My mom was sick a lot when I was growing up and had several stays in the hospital for critical things (blood clot in the lungs, heart attack, other related issues, triple bypass when I was a freshman in college.) I was pretty much kept in the dark about these things, even in college. I think it was everyone's way of protecting fragile me. (Insert eye roll here) Anyway, when I was in the dark, but very scared about where my mom was and what was going to happen, I worried. and I started to feel like the worry was what kept her safe. It's irrational, some would say "magical thinking". I recognize it doesn't work that way, any more than "having a feeling" something is wrong means something must be wrong. But that's the background.

Soooo...I have this irrational fear, not a fear so much as a niggling negative thought that if I expect the best...I will get smacked down. So, the worry is something of a "good luck charm". Not something one of faith should need, right? And I recognize that prayer is far more powerful than my worry "charm". :)

Which is why yesterday, when I got some questionable news, I did two things..first I did some research (knowledge is power right? Unless with knowledge you fixate on the worst possible case scenario just like the Husband knew I would when he said, "Don't Google it".) But the second thing I did was reach out to people I know I can count on for prayer. (This should have been the first, but I didn't realize from the tone in which I got the news that I would have such a worry soooo...I should have just listened to the Husband and stayed ignorant of the possibilities.)

So my worry..in case you're wondering.... My Ob informed me, kind of after the fact when I mentioned the ultrasound tech was going on and on about getting a Level 2 ultrasound because I'm of Advanced Maternal Age (Don't you think that phrase should have some sort of "duhn duhn duhn" music?) that yes, I could go in for the Level 2 because the tech wrote there was only a two vessel cord when there should be three. He assured me it will be fine and is sending me to a maternal-fetal specialist for a level 2 ultrasound. (My appointment is on May 17th.) I'm not going in to all the possibilities for you here...because you too have the power of the Internet at your fingertips...I'll just say the little girl could have absolutely no issues whatsoever, or ..... We just have to wait and see what we see on May 17th.

No matter what, we love her bunches already and so do the boys. We got a party supply catalogue in the mail yesterday and *C* has decided we must do the pink princess theme for her 1st birthday. (Do you think she might be doted on by a few folks?) I was 'worried' that she'd never get to go on a date with all the older brothers scaring the prospects away (not such a bad thing. ;) ) Now I wonder if she might have some very high standards after being treated like a princess by all these brothers.

Thinking about her 1st Birthday...that kind of goes against what my worry monster usually allows...but I'm putting him on a diet. :)

I hope you can put your monster on a diet too!

-Peace

But So Glad I Did..

Sometimes I just don't want to. I just don't feel like it. Staying at home would be so much easier. Skipping (fill in the blank) wouldn't be bad, would it? But I'm so not in the mood (to go out and about and be around people).

Sometimes I feel that way about things I've committed to (like teaching Sunday School). Sometimes I feel that way about things I'm doing for pure enjoyment (like spending an afternoon scrap booking with friends I rarely see). Sometimes I feel that way about things that need doing (like going to the grocery store).

But I DO show up to teach Sunday School, I do go scrap booking and I do go to the grocery store. And guess what? I'm always glad I went. (Yes, even to the grocery store...because no matter how many people there are giving the impression they've never walked an aisle with a cart before and clog everything up with their slack-jawed looks of amazement, I still walk out knowing I've got the supplies to support the Fam. for another week or two...or until they eat "the good stuff".)

Yesterday, I wasn't feeling wonderful in the morning, in fact, I wasn't feeling well (just pregnancy stuff like shortness of breath). I was a little worried (maybe even dreading) how Sunday School would go because I felt so :P BUT I went and I did the lesson with my co teacher and I enjoyed my time, and by the end of the hour, I felt OK. Having the opportunity to serve others was healing and rejuvenating...and I adore the children in the class. I'm glad I didn't try to find an out. I needed that hour.

Yesterday afternoon, I went scrap booking. I danced around whether I would go. I do this every time I'm going to this particular venue. I adore the women there, but the location is part of painful history for me (the Husband was an intern there). I'm always welcomed with smiles and hugs (by most ;) )I get to see friends I don't see often. We talk about kids and food and books and tons of other stuff. We scrap and we eat and laugh and I get past the feeling that I'm invading in a place I don't belong. But before I go, there's always that feeling that maybe I should just stay home. Yesterday was no exception but...I had a wonderful visit, got a lot accomplished..and came home feeling refreshed.

I've learned to "just do it". I've mastered my inner hermit (mostly). It can seem easier to avoid people and things but the reality is...it doesn't usually help. Sometimes a new perspective, a different voice and something outside myself heals whatever the funk is. I realized that walking through the woods on Thursday and I saw it again yesterday.

The strength to "just do it" doesn't come from within. The strength to move forward, to step out, to go and do what feels difficult at first comes from God. I know that and I am thankful to have Someone much bigger than myself to rely on when I need a little extra push in the right direction.

I'm so glad when I follow through and do the things I don't feel like doing...the commitments, the fun stuff and even the chores. While individually they may not be big accomplishments, they're all things that remind me that I don't exist purely for myself, but in community with others.

May you find the strength to face whatever it is that just doesn't feel easy today.

-Peace

Somtimes It's About Time...

Yesterday I was lamenting my snappiness and the fact that I hadn't filled the boys' Spring Break with lots of adventures and silliness.

At some point in the late morning or early afternoon, I realized I regretted my crabbiness, BUT that the lack of "adventures" created space for other things.

Going to public school, the boys have an early start every day and are constantly on a schedule, then they come home and do homework, have dinner and get ready for bed. I am not a big fan of heavy scheduling. I think kids need time to be kids..creative and free and fun. (I go back and forth several times a year.. week.. day about the desire to home school, but it's not something we feel ready to do..other than the rigid schedule, PS is working well for the boys.)

So, while we did not go heavy on activities this week (other than baseball practice which at least one of them had every day this week)...they did get to sleep in (which the teenager took advantage of... because he gets up by 5:45 on school days.) The other boys ate lunch in their PJs almost every day this week. *C* had a sleepover at a friend's house..and told me when he came home that being home is great. They played in the yard. They played video games. Many Lego structures were created. In other words, they got to Just Be.

After *C*'s practice last night, we all headed to Friendly's for a late dinner and some ice cream. (Thanks for the gift card, Uncle Dave!) We were all relaxed and enjoyed our time together. Afterward we took a ride (we love taking rides) and then came home with very tired, but content children.

Today I have plans...the four youngers need sneakers (and I have a coupon), there's a sale at Jo-Ann's I'd like to take advantage of, I need to get some little things for my Sunday School lesson...and we'd also like to do something fun as a family. (I have a few ideas floating around, but the Husband and I have not had time to discuss them.)

No, it's not a fancy rock star existence. We don't jet off to fabulous places and I am not the madcap, adventurous mom. Instead, I'm the plain old mom, making breakfast, folding the laundry, dispensing hugs and band aids, helping take those stubborn Lego pieces apart...not always patient, not always laughing...but always loving them and making the time to be present for them, listening and snuggling and just being there.

I'm not a wild and crazy mom, but I'm wild and crazy about this family of mine. Thanks God!

-Peace

New Day, New Attitude

Today is Friday. The last weekday of the boys' break. I wish I could say we've gone on adventures each day. I wish I could say I played games and laughed and was silly with them. Instead, this morning, I feel as though I have another week of wasted opportunities.

Fortunately, today is a new day. Hopefully once everyone is awake, I can embrace the day, take a deep breath and do something fun with my guys.

Yesterday, I was crabby. The day started off poorly when the Husband and I had words because I felt his tone was dismissive when I was trying to discuss something. That annoyance carried over through my day and I was snappish with the boys. (Another opportunity to apologize and ask forgiveness.)

After dinner *N* had baseball practice at 6 and *E* had practice at 6:45 at a different park so we had to split up. I took *N*, *C* and *I* came with me. *C* had designs on the playground but it was soooo crowded and I admit I get so stressed out over playground politics that I try to avoid crowded playgrounds. (I'm sure this hasn't helped our week go smoothly, they've been asking to go to a playground all week) Fortunately, this park has beautiful walking trails through the woods and *C* is my nature guy so we took a walk instead.

What a GREAT idea! We had the best time. We talked and saw squirrels and chipmunks and a hawk. *C* stopped us with his fingers to his lips...we could hear a woodpecker! My observant boy pointed out all sorts of interesting things. I didn't have my camera so I let him use my phone to take pictures. (I thought of getting him a camera for Christmas last year..it's definitely on the list for next year.) *I* loved it too and was very chatty about all that he saw.

This walk soothed my soul. I was feeling so frazzled and cranky and really taking all my blessings for granted, choosing instead, to focus on the worries, the "what ifs" and the irritations. Not a good way to walk through life. I definitely was not showing trust, faith or a cheerful spirit. Not a good example AT ALL.

Emerging from the woods was like a transformation. I felt like a new woman. The whole evening went better.

I am so thankful that I had the opportunity to spend some quiet time with *C* and *I*. I am so thankful that I was able to immerse myself in the beauty of creation. Yesterday is history. I cannot go back in time and erase the snapping. I can remember the happiness though. And today...today I can resolve to have an adventure and embrace the day with a positive attitude. Maybe I'll even feel brave enough to go to a playground. (Maybe....... or maybe we can take a nice walk through the woods.)

-Peace