Not Job (long O)

I've taken a bit of a writing hiatus.

The reason is simple and complicated all at the same time.  I realized that who I am "here" and what I'm going through "out there" are not in sync.  

When people tell me I seem peaceful or like I have it together I feel... like a big, fat liar.  I also found out that sometimes it even intimidated people...until we had a conversation and they saw me in scary, living technicolor hot mess.  (Then we were cool.)

  Often I write to work through things, which makes it seem all methodical and peaceful and clean..which is what I am doing now except...Life, my friends, is often very messy, especially when lived fully and with risks and mistakes.

When I started this blog I had this "pie in the sky" idea that I would someday get a book contract and maybe even get to speak from a Christian perspective.  The reality is, the real me probably wouldn't fit in so well with what I perceive to be what they are looking for.

I know that if I filled my life with only things deemed pleasing to God, I would be better off and I know in my head that God loves me flaws and poor choices and all.  (That's grace.)  My heart is not on the same "God loves me" page.  Ironic because I spend a lot of time telling other people something that my heart cannot believe for me.  

It really hit home for me last night as I was saying The Lord's Prayer with my kids...and my words felt stuck in my throat and I felt like my stomach was full of rocks...

You see, life has been kind of rough all the way around for years..and sometimes I feel like, "Why even bother?"  We've spent a lot of time and energy trying to follow Gods will and I'm kind of in a "What the hell?"  mood.  Nothing I do seems to make a difference.

I come from a tradition that espouses, "Saved by grace through faith and not by works of the law."  so I do not necessarily believe my actions result in salvation, but sometimes, it would be nice if my actions would result in a little good news in the "here and now" not only in an "end time" which I cannot even begin to imagine.

I understand and believe that faith is reflected in how we handle adversity. I am trying hard to see silver linings, but to be honest...the tarnish is getting to me.

I do not have the patience nor the faith of Job, it would seem.  I feel it's obvious I do not even have the faith of a mustard seed...I have the shaken and  fractured faith of a woman who doesn't ever have to wait long for the other shoe to drop...on her head, as the can of spaghettios falls on her bare foot.

This is me.  It's real.  My kids struggle and sometimes the only help I can offer is hugs and love them with everything I have (and it doesn't ever seem to be enough).  I like to listen to (sing along with and dance to) loud rock music with lyrics I wouldn't want my kids to sing along to (that's what ear buds and car rides by myself are for..so I either sing along at the top of my lungs in the mom van or I'm dancing around the kitchen to music no one else can hear), I enjoy a cocktail, good books (good being relative), walking by the ocean (had to throw that in, hehe) and lots of other things.  I struggle with problems and questions.  My home is in a constant state of clutter. There's never enough time or money or peace.   I am imperfect and rarely truly "at peace".  I am seeking my true self instead of fulfilling the expectations of others and trying not to be selfish and hurt the ones I love in the process.  (Talk about a delicate balance...)

To steal a dear friend's phrase, "I'm seeking the balance between edgy and respectable."  I am certainly not Job (long O).

-Peace (in whatever measure you can find it.)